I felt triggered today – like really triggered. I had an image in my head and started to plan how I would act on the SI. This hasn’t happened in what seems like a long while. I am glad that I did not act on it and the feeling has subsided a bit. But the image was scary in that I could so easily see myself resorting to what was once so habitual. It felt almost comfortable to think of using SI again.
I wanted to use it to punish. I have been feeling overwhelmed with a lot lately, but have been proud at my ability to manage and keep a more positive attitude. But today I made a mistake. Nothing to big that can’t be fixed, but still a mistake that affected someone else – a huge trigger for me.
I am not sure really why I feel the need to post this. I guess I just don’t have anyone I talk to about SI anymore and I suppose I just needed to share in a place where others may understand. Sometimes I feel so alone with these feelings, triggers and thoughts of SI. As much as I am wanting SI to be a part of my past, when it comes up in the present I can start to feel really isolated.