I’m almost at 90 days sober, it’s flown by. I feel like it was just last week that I was curled up in my bed shaking and sweating by myself. The words I prayed that afternoon and my surroundings are fuzzy but I don’t think I’ll ever forget my pain and fear. I hope not. It all clicked that I couldn’t get sober on my own, not with my own willpower, I was never able to before so I’m not sure why I thought I could this time either. And it was just like they say in the rooms of AA, it gets worse and never better. I was at a meeting this morning and after two cups of coffee I started thinking about some of the risky things I did and it gives me chills, it upsets my stomach. I don’t want to hurt anyone else, or myself. I thank God every day I stay sober, it’s the first thing I do when I wake up, and the last thing I do before I fall asleep.
I wonder if I’ll always self-harm. In my mind it’s a lot less dangerous to me (for me) to self harm than to drink alcohol or use drugs. It’s in my control, as long as I’m not using or drinking, it’s in my control. That’s not entirely true, it’s just me rationalizing, I think. I’ve only had a few slips with self harm where it was more serious than I intended and it scared me. When I’m drinking I’m not scared of self injuring, I have no fear. When I’m sober I’m careful and clean and purposeful. This is how I always get sucked back into it-if it helps me deal, and it’s less dangerous to me than alcohol and drugs, why can’t I do it every now and then when things feel really out of control?
I think the answer to that is that once I slip up once like Sunday, it becomes easier to do it again, it becomes my little comforting secret again and it’s mine and it feels better and it distracts and as long as no one sees it’s okay. The downside to me is the guilt and shame and the scars. I regret the scars but I don’t focus too much on it anymore, there’s not much I can do about that. Only one do I REALLY regret and wish I hadn’t done because it’s an embarrassing reminder to myself of how crazy I can get when I feel like a friend has left me. I see it every time I change clothes and the only other person that’s seen it is my partner and I hate that I did that. It made sense in the moments I was doing it, I guess that’s why I did it.
I’ve gotten really off topic. I’m struggling with urges to self-harm and I know what to do to NOT do it but it’s so tempting. It’s so much easier to not self harm for a long period of time than to try to stop once started. Obviously I have a lot of work to do still. Now that I’m sober, I feel a new motivation to work in therapy. Tuesday I finally opened up about some stuff, some BPD stuff, some things I think and ways I act that I feel really embarrassed of.
I used to see a slip with self-harm as black and white, all or nothing. I see a lot of things in general as black and white- almost everything. But I realized that’s detrimental to my recovery because I have to keep moving forward and not focus on it too much. It’s hard. I started this blog to distract myself because I looked at my bank account to see if my direct deposit went through and my paycheck is about $200 less than it usually is. This stresses me out and the house and the boxes and the pets and the cars and I feel like screaming and throwing things like a child. We had all this clean laundry on the bed last night and we were arguing back and forth and it was late and every part of me wanted to yell and cuss and throw all those clothes on the floor and drive to the store to buy something I could use to self harm. Instead I took a shower, I apologized, I folded socks, and I feel asleep as soon as my head hit my pillow. I’m so glad I didn’t act on any of that. Sometimes I think it’d be good for me to yell and scream and throw things. That’s not an acceptable behavior for a 26 year old, but it’s my first instinct. I didn’t do that when I was a kid. I always tried to be the well behaved perfect oldest sister. And when they acted up I got blamed because “I’m the oldest and everything I do they learn from”. So basically everything was my fault because I was supposed to be the example. Now that I think about it, that’s kind of a lot of pressure on a kid. I feel like the hulk on my insides when I get upset. But on the outside I think I usually seem calm and collected and good. I feel like I’m fooling people. I look like a nice person and I look young and all smiles but really I’m not as good inside as people think. When I get upset sometimes I have to put my hands in my pockets or reach out and hold onto something so I don’t explode and hurt myself or someone else. At least that’s what it feels like is going to happen. In reality I’ve never touched another person, other than my little sister and I fighting when we were younger, I’ve never physically hurt someone else. Easier to hurt myself I guess. Now I feel detached and tired. I can’t wait for things to calm down and for us to unpack all the way and get out of that other house. I feel hopeful, I think things will get better soon, but I also feel sad and this anger inside of me that makes me feel like I’m going to explode. I’ve been listening to a Beth Hart song called Hiding Under Water while I’ve been typing this and it makes me feel not alone and a little less dramatic.
Despite all the sad things I feel, I am hopeful of recovery. When I started blogging on here years ago under a different name and a totally different place in life I hadn’t started the recovery path yet- also, I found journals while packing and read some and I have definitely gotten better! I’ve definitely made progress, some things I put in those I have to look away from because I wrote such terrible things about myself and I was in the middle of my addiction before I had any hope of getting out or any hope to continue living. So, that’s encouraging.