I learned something about myself and patterns today. I am coming out of a brief period of frenzy. I knew I was spinning, but I didn’t really see the whole thing until I talked to my alonon sponsor. She said I was in my head, that I was chest breathing, talking quickly…. I was trying to *do* so much that the idea of being in my head didn’t make sense at first. What she was talking about was applying too much will — trying to figure things out, think my way out. Which I know doesn’t work. But I was deluded, thinking that if my effort was failing, it just meant I needed to apply more effort. I was, metaphorically, throwing things at the wall and waiting to see what stuck instead of have a sense of direction coming from the inside. I even know that overachieving is an alonon issue, but in trying to do everything– I just decided that I didn’t have time to go to meetings, mediate with a group, do a group sports activity, because I was too busy. It was all really brief and no harm done, but interesting. I think I even see how it started– by getting healthier I was coming up against sadness and discomfort with that grain of clearer understanding of how difficult my life has been. I suspect that was the trigger. I want to sit with what it’s like to get better, but it all just feels vacant. I wish had words. It’s confusing. Confusing that not everyone else is automatically better than me– better educated, better at interpersonal stuff, more emotionally ok. If I am equal, I don’t have others to look toward as much to keep me safe. Since that strategy (get protection from others) has tended to end very badly, you’d think I would be more eager to relinquish it. My sponsor talked about turning things over. Praying. It was helpful to hear the way I was being addressed from a spiritual angle– those same skills are in dbt but with my therapist we never talk like that. It’s something she gives me. Those are two people who gave me my first glimpses of not everyone being a threat… sounds opposite to what I was just saying but I had a couple people picked out as protectors, then everyone else was a threat. Alonon really extended its hand to me. And my therapist, even before alonon, nursed me to the point that I could communicate. How do I even relate to that goodness? Now I’m having all sorts of new experiences in the world– interacting with people everywhere has been so different– I am somehow able to be personable and there is a sense connection. And that sense of connection feels like safety. Maybe that I can make it happen– maybe that’s safety. The serious connection in spiritual groups is good, but maybe more meaningful recently has been the sense of playful connection doing fun things with strangers (sports). Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be this person. While at the same time, I feel exactly the same.  …though before connection would not have sounded like a good thing to me.