I feel relieved to be here. I keep blogging a secret from my therapist. I wonder why I do that. He would be glad that I can find space and support for my voice. What’s going on now is that I have been applying for jobs–and had an interview today for one that is a big job, and would be a major lifestyle change. If I had my pick I would do something simpler, but in preparing for this interview I saw that I do have background that would support me. What scares me about working outside of the house is that I just don’t know how much stress I can mange without my thinking getting distorted. I am ready to take a step and I am sure it would be really healthy for me to have more structure (and money!) in my life–I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to have a healthy adult wage–so grown up (though I am very much a grown up). I’ve felt like a child for most of my life. Less competent than others around me–always looking to others to tell me what to do….while also having huge rebellious side. And that is the feeling– though it is not a feeling– it’s a thought– so I have to figure out what the feeling is– must be fear– so: the feeling is fear, and the thought is that I am inherently just not very competent. The prompting event is how tired and fragile I feel. I’ve been feeling more fragile, even as I have been feeling stronger in a way. Or– feeling stronger has lead to taking risk and putting effort into furthering my career and now I am scared. I had an interview this morning. I woke at 6:30 to prepare, had it from 11:30 to 1:00. Ran a frustrating errand — lots of walking. Then came home and felt really anxious. I sat in mediation for about 15 minutes– so glad that that is there for me. I’m using it more lately. Then I went to sleep for a couple hours. Now I still just feel a little shaken and worn. The interview was fine. I am guessing that it is always intense to interview and I am not special….. But it seems to me like I don’t bounce back quite as well as others– that is a lot of what’s going on– and that is what scares me about taking the job…. which hasn’t even been offered so I am ahead of myself. I’m leaving out important information. I have a number of injuries on me right now that were all accidents, …but it’s just a little too many and too close to my main way to injure. I brought them with me. I can’t leave them here. That’s what feels urgent– I want to divide off from them but they follow me. And I am tired. Overstimulated. I need deep rest. My therapist has started pushing me a bit. He said that maybe now he isn’t scared that if he says stuff I will hurt myself. That seems accurate to me– I would have crumpled and punished myself in the past and that isn’t going to happen now. But I was talking about not getting this other job I interviewed for– it was only part-time and low level– that feels perfect in a way– I’m coming out of so many years of self-employment– and he said, “so I’m supposed to feel sorry for you that you didn’t get the job. Everyone who applies for jobs gets turned away.” I was in self-pity. And it’s complicated. I’m realizing that he didn’t get the whole thing of what I am saying– I look over qualified for the sort of job I want– they told me that that is why I didn’t get it– instead I’m afraid I look suited for a job in which I will be under a lot of stress– like the one I interviewed for today– and I am proud that I look at that level but it’s also complicated by and– this is really it– I am terrified of not being able to weather too much stress. I don’t know what to do for myself to make me feel stronger. Right now I feel like I need the rest of the night to just be restful, maybe go for a swim, but all quiet time. I know how to take care of me right now. I guess I can remember that that is all I need to know– the next right thing. When my thoughts go toward– see, you can’t even handle an interview and look at the million other things you need to do and you haven’t done a single one. You are bad. Regardless of the thought that is the common denominator: you are bad. ….I can just tell them that I am doing an excellent job taking care of myself right now.