I am in the process of moving and the last week has been moving things over to this new house in the evenings and at night after work and school. I’m pretty exhausted. Friday and Saturday are the big move days, we’re borrowing a friends pickup truck and hoping a couple guys will come over and help. Fingers crossed.
I always write a blog about 9/11, I can’t believe it’s been 12 years since that day. That there are people walking around now that weren’t born yet. Anyway, my partner believes and has always believed the conspiracy theories, inside job, that the government took advantage of the attack to set the stage for war, for money. I always wondered why this upset me so much the first few years we were together, I think it’s because I feel so much “stuff” about it and I started SIing over it and somehow if it weren’t real then all my pain was fake too. Now I understand that no matter the reason behind the attacks that day (I’ve come to be more open minded to the possibility that they were anything other than an unexpected terrible attack on the USA), it was a terrible thing, it was a scary thing, a lot of people died, a lot of people were injured, a lot of people’s loved ones never came home. I’ve also always been hard on myself, wondering WHY WHY WHY this affected me so much,some teenager in Florida with no personal ties to the individuals killed, no ties to NYC, to DC, to anything involved-I thought it was so stupid that I was terrified to go in public, that the images kept me awake through the nights, that I was obsessed and mortified and eventually started hurting myself to ease the suffocating fear I felt. Now, 12 years later, it doesn’t matter as much to me WHY it affected me that way, I’m ok with the answer”that it just did”. It did and I started self harming after that and it doesn’t matter so much if I had a right to feel so intensely the way I feel and felt because I DO and that’s ok. If I were to make an educated guess as to why it was so traumatizing to me I would guess that a main part was the constant media coverage and the constant videos and images, especially of the jumping, and of the towers collapsing, and the videos that were sent in by al Qaeda-or what I understood those things to be at the time. The media mixed with my very religious grandma and parents preaching about the end times and war and how I need to be ready for Jesus to come back mixed with an already extra sensitive and scared teenager. It makes some sense. With the things happening right now in Syria and talk of war, I’m anxious. I’m sure a lot of people are. I let myself start to drown in that same fear today that I had of 9/11 with this Syria situation and immediately felt like self harming and I recognized it and I don’t want to be a scared child anymore. Anyway, I distracted myself and its one day at a time.