I was doing well -really well. Even though I had just started a new semester and still working two jobs I felt I was managing really well. I went into my classes with a new attitude. I felt more confident and compassionate toward myself. I am learning so it is okay to make a mistake. It’s okay to speak up in class and be wrong – not the end of the world. I was feeling pretty proud…until now.
The one thing my life that is a fairly good constant thing threw me a curve ball. I felt like I hit a roadblock and it set things in motion. Although I felt I had been doing well, I was bottling up all the nervous stress and energy. I had myself fooled. I was just lying to myself saying that I was confident when I really wasn’t. I was telling myself I wasn’t going to compare myself to my peers, but I am. All this came out as soon as I hit this roadblock and I am not doing so well anymore.
I miss that feeling. What a great feeling it was to feel like things were good and normal, even under the stress. It felt good to be proud of me and to feel like I had things in control. I want that feeling back. But now that I have hit this road block all the familiar negative stuff is coming back and it is so easy to fall into those familiar patterns. I want back out. I want to be that other person again – the person who likes herself. How do I get beyond this roadblock, find her again, and continue on the competent, confident, and somewhat optimistic path?