Just looked back on some of my older, but not too old posts. Having this record is good for me.
I am now in week 11 of a situation I do not like. I think it’s probably just paranoia that stops me from being specific here. Someone I know is probably not going to find this and recognize me. …but still I want to wear layers and layers of cloaks. Also, I only have 36 more weeks before the situation will resolve itself. But I was talking to my therapist about it today and I have really only thought about our conversation since then. He pointed out my rebelliousness and stubbornness. He told me that I was mean to this person– I hadn’t thought of myself as being mean– my impression is I am honest about my discomfort with his presence (he’s a psychiatric resident). I am so uncomfortable that I couldn’t hide it even if I wanted to, which I don’t. But when he told me I was mean I liked that. It felt good. Powerful. That didn’t seem to go over too well with my therapist. — that I find it gratifying that I cause him discomfort. I was trying to ask him specifically what he wanted me to do differently and it was all this stuff about just my general stance toward him. It’s true that I can’t stand to look at him. I don’t like a lot of what my therapist had to say. This guy is an invader and all I want from him is for him to go away. He is against my will and I have given him zero permission to be in any sort of proximity of me– he is forced upon me in a group situation where my therapist is also present. So, today when I said that actually he is going to go away, I just have to wait him out–that was seen as being stubborn. Apparently I hurt this guy’s feelings but I don’t get it exactly– at first it sounded I wounded him and then like he was mad at himself for being incompetent in responding to me. But I said to my therapist that it sounded like he wanted me to fix the resident’s feeling– which I meant as something absurd– but that is what he was suggesting. He suggested that I say something along the line of your presence here is very difficult for me and I am trying to come to terms with it- it has gotten easier, but only a drop— then I think I interrupted him and said that there was no way I was going to turn toward him. And he compared me to my rebellious teenager– it used to bother me when he did that but now I feel proud it– I love my kid– think he’s great and I’m glad he’s not a conformer. But that new stance doesn’t seem to go over well. And I am mad at my therapist for suggesting that it has gotten better by only a drop– very mad about that– it shows how much he doesn’t understand my experience in this situation, which is frustrating for me. He just does not get what’s going on for me– that’s been apparent from the start and he highlighted it by saying it’s only gotten better a drop. The first month my life shut down over it. Then it was another couple weeks until I could sleep. Then another few weeks I felt magnetically repelled from getting my body through the door. Where we are now is that I can participate in the group and mostly tune this guy out. But my therapist isn’t connecting to my experience. He’s connecting to how I effect the resident. And that’s what he wants me to fix. …..though I totally get that he’s pursuing this believing it’s all for my own good…. He kept telling me he didn’t want anything. And, for the most part, I think that’s true. But I guess he does want to protect this guy from me– he said that he wanted to protect both of us. I believe him. I think he would be very pleased if I said that the prompting event was that resident came in and my interpretation is invasion– and that I know it’s in my interpretation that I can make a change. But I feel like I am being asked to change how I feel about being invaded because it is not good for the invader– and others in the room– there were definite attempts to motivate me to change via guilt. I asked if I just shouldn’t come if I can’t get over it– that was my initial solution and it’s just from taking in outside advice that I haven’t followed that solution. I know intellectually that this guy is just a [bumbling idiot, moron, incompetent, etc and that that’s what he’s supposed to be at this point in his training]– he isn’t actually dangerous to me. But I just slip into a different realm trying to follow a prompt from him. Like I don’t know what is happening but I’m so keyed up and convinced that I have to be on high alert because there is danger–I am not in the room but in my own alternate reality. I want him to go away. And he will go away– in 36 weeks. And if I’m just rooted in my own experience I can figure out how to tolerate the distress and still be able to participate in the group. This is where I feel like I just don’t get what is being asked of me. Or, I do. It is being asked of me to change the way I feel because it’s bad for others. …and allegedly bad for me, I guess. And that makes me really mad. I feel like I’m being charged with healing my attacker. Frustrated.