It seems like every time that I think I’ve hit my ultimate low, a new wave comes around and brings me even further down. I don’t even know how to describe how I feel at this point. My depression is consuming me. It’s managed to get to the point where I think about it almost constantly because it’s always hovering somewhere in the back of my thoughts. I had a lot of time to work on college work today and I spent three hours not accomplishing anything, not for lack of trying, I just couldn’t do it. I try to read the text books and focus on the writing and I can’t get my mind to stop being so preoccupied with how depressed I am. I can’t sleep either … as soon as I lay down my mind forces me to relive every memory of everything that I’ve ever screwed up. I can’t get a break from it. My eating is screwed up right now too because I feel guilty every time I eat anything so then I try not to eat and then that just results in me giving into cravings later on in the day which makes me feel lousy about myself all over again. I’m just so tired of feeling like this. Everyday is the same struggle, the same monstrous task that I have to try to drag myself through. I’m so close to just throwing in the towel and giving up on everything. I honestly think that I need to be hospitalized because there’s no way that I can find my way out of the sea of blue that I’m drowning in. I’m so impossibly lonely being trapped in this depressive coma but there’s no end insight for me just yet. I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going on like this, things aren’t getting better, they’re getting worse – so much worse.
It sounds like it’s time to reach out and find a counselor/therapist. Have you done that at all? Make a call to their office at your college and tell them you are feeling depressed. Tell one of your teachers/professors. Talk to someone – face-to-face. It’s the best way to get help and support. If you’re feeling this low, it can’t get much worse by reaching out. And maybe it’ll even help! If you talked to a therapist you didn’t like, try again – there are lots of different therapists.
You don’t have to go through this alone, and reaching out here was a great step to take! Please keep us posted – I know there are others here who are feeling as low as you do right now. We ALL need help now and then. A crisis line is 800-273-TALK – they are there 24/7 also. And if self injury is an issue, you can always contact us at SAFE also – info@selfinjury.com.
Best wishes, Pam
I, like Pam, would highly encourage you to reach out to someone. Counseling is a great great thing, I’ve been in it for a few years now. I would like to offer you my email just in case you ever want to talk.
tranquilwaterfall@gmail.com