There are changes going on in my life. Some of them– I can feel them, feel a shift, but I don’t know how to name it. Some of them I can name. I know that there is no alternative to constant change, and the fighting it is useless. But I sort of want to fight. The urges have strong lately. I have what feels like a sense of amnesia, or inability to locate stuff in time around SI– so I am sure I am having a trying to work through urges now. But has that been happening all day? All week? I’m sure I didn’t say anything to my therapist about it this week, and I last saw him yesterday so that only leaves today. Has it ben all day today? No– I did a lot of cleaning to day and I’m sure I felt well when i was doing that. There is some work stress– a couple people who aren’t happy with me. And some money stress. I think I should get out the impulse control logs and try that again. I know I feel like I am bad. I know that I feel like I should be punished. …but actually those aren’t feelings. Those are thoughts. In the middle of the urge I’m trying to say– ok– what’s going on right now? But it’s like it’s already gone– like the urge is like an eraser and when it’s set in everything else has already evaporated. I was trying to just let my mind go and I was seeing myself cowering, afraid. So I guess I’m afraid. Which goes back to change. It has been a very long time since I had a non-freelance job. I needed to work only at home because that was a constraint of my marriage. Since the marriage it’s been almost full-time recovery, but I want (and need) a job now. I had an interview a week ago and haven’t heard back. I’d be perfect there but I feel insecure. It seems impossible someone would actually pay me to do something. I have anxiety. It wouldn’t be incompatible with my therapy schedule, but it feels like leaving my therapist– I guess it is in the sense that now therapy is what organizes my life. And that would change. I am scared– but also kind of excited. And I have the skills now to protect myself in groups– to speak– it’s this crazy divide because on one side I’m ultra-strong and on the other I’m fragile and the two need to come together. When things go wrong I want to hurt myself. Oh-! I was just reading a book that talks about anorexia, among other things. I may have had absorbed / been triggered by that. I’m trying really hard.