being at school this semester is bringing me back so many memories. I relapsed with self injury in September of last year and I haven’t really stopped since. I have periods of not doing it, it’s not a constant behavior anymore. That’s ok with me right now, “progress not perfection”. I don’t count days,weeks,months anymore. I used to but it pressured me a lot. I went up to the forth floor restroom in the technology building on campus and that’s where I was self harming the most. I had a whole process I was going through with it and being obsessive about that process. I did things with self harm is never done before in all the years I’ve done it. I regret it. I have to move on now though, there’s nothing I can do about it. Every time I see a specific scar on my body, which is every day, from that time I don’t feel regret, or sadness, I feel anger at the person. Still. I see where I was drinking and drunk last semester at school. I haven’t parked in the parking lot where I was sick and passing out in my car, they’re bad memories and I’m processing them. When I walked in that bathroom today it felt like a flashback. The images flashed through my mind real quick. It wasn’t really “triggering” but it was sad. Anyway, even though I have self harmed recently I still consider myself in recovery, or working on being in recovery from it.
Since I wrote the first part if this blog I’ve been in my math class. I felt like self injuring. I’m a little surprised I didn’t. It seems she talks so fast and the room starts to feel like it’s closing in and it all starts to sound like Hebrew or some really foreign language I don’t understand. I took a five minute break and walked outside and took some breaths and went back in. I have out this math class off for 7 years, for good reason! I feel so stupid.