I FEEL irritated. I drove 45 minutes to pick up this girl for an AA meeting tonight and she didn’t show. So I just sat there feeling stupid. Not just stupid but really irritated that I wasted so much gas when gas is outrageous. Anyway, that’s what we do in AA, help people, take someone new to a meeting, answer the phone when someone calls for support. I’m happy to do it, and even happier to pick someone up for a meeting like people did for me-countless times. To be honest, I was looking forward to talking to her about self harm. A mutual AA friend called me a few weeks ago and asked if she could give this new girl my number because we had similar issues. When I met this girl in person I saw which issue she meant.
Whatever. I’ll get over it. It’s really just the $ I wasted that irritates me. Maybe something came up for her, maybe her phone fell into the ocean and she couldn’t call to let me know.
I have therapy tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to it. Not in a “yay this is going to be fun” way, in a “I have so much to say in 50 minutes” kind of way. If I remember correctly I’m riding with her to her new office tomorrow to see the new place. This will be the last time at this office. I get all squirrelly with these kind of changes. I hate how my mind immediately jumps to ” oh god —– (fill in the blank) hates me, —- is so tired of me, — never wants to see me again because I’m so draining and needy…” NOW these are the very first thoughts that I think, and usually at the same time I know that’s not true but it feels real. It’s not real, it’s just that crazy self talk.
I’m just tired tonight. I made it through my third day of this math class without crying and without injuring myself…so that’s improvement. I think it will be ok.
I’ve been having these little fits of rage the last few days. It seem out of nowhere I’ll get so angry I can barely see straight. Engaging in arguments, slamming the receiver of the phone down on a guy who called at work, smelling the car doors, throwing things, screaming so suddenly and so loud that my voice cracks from the shock of what’s coming out of my mouth as it happens. This is not coincidence. My meds have probably not all of a sudden stopped working, and I’m completely embarrassed of myself on occasion that my partner witnesses this or when maybe the neighbors heard when I was home alone, or maybe someone at work saw me slam the phone down 🙁 I’m not implying this is out of my control, these outburst. But it sure feels like it, I do insert my self control, as soon as I realize I’m acting out but the actual act of slamming the car door or screaming feels like it just happens and it takes my brain a split second to catch up and react.