With it being a weekend off from work, I’ve had the time to do some thinking about myself. Who I am, what I’m doing and what I need to do. Most of it wasn’t the greatest that I’ve come up with.
I know that I’m messed up. I’m the only one in my family that does the things that I do. I’m the only one that I’ve heard of having the problems that I have. Because of that, they don’t know how to deal with me completely. I might get the concerned looks or the concerned word or two but nothing more. It’s like I really don’t matter too much unless it comes to something that one of them needs. No matter what I do, it’s nothing to them most of the time. The good or the bad.
I still have been good about not SI’ing on purpose. Many nights while at work, I have to fight the impulse to do something. Many times, I find myself standing injuring. I guess that’s one of the major downfalls with what I do now. I have a tool in my hand most of the night in some way.
I know that I need some kind of help with everything that I’m going through. I had found someone to talk to sometimes. They tell me that I’m not bothering them when I do but it still feels like it though. Throughout my life, I’ve never really had someone that I could turn to in order to talk. I’ve always had to keep my problems in which isn’t good either.
I had someone before that I was talking to but things came up. Now, it’s like I don’t even exist to that person. In many ways, I feel betrayed because I opened up. I told about what was going on in my head and about my past. Now, I don’t know if I should ever let someone in like that again.