Someone pointed out something I did in a particular situation. Working really hard in a recovery environment for years then a new person with pseudo-authority came in and he feels soooo dangerous to me. She said I just put up a wall. She named my experience in a way my therapist and I hadn’t–a wall. I’ve even been uncannily listening over and over to a song about building a wall without connecting the situations. In the song it says– “why do we build the wall?” “We build the wall, build the wall to keep us free” … “how does the wall keep us free?” … “We build the wall to keep out the enemy” … “who do we call the enemy?” …… in the case of the song the enemy is poverty. I have gotten somewhere with my therapist about who the enemy is for me– or, at least– this is how I have been trying to address the situation– by figuring out who the enemy is. Though we’ve also talked about that being too simple….
But, really, this is about about a lot more than this situation, and it’s not this situation that I want to think through– what’s important to me now is the experience of having walls. It’s a lingering problem. The wall is the greatest source of suffering — but it doesn’t feel like I have any power over them. They are the experience of really wanting to talk about something with my therapist then just not being able to speak– and my entire sense of self evaporating– until I have no thoughts, no feelings. Just vacant. I’ve always had these situations in my life. They happen in relationships with men. Intellectually, I get that it must also be me who makes the walls. When I first started writing on this blog, which must have been four and half years ago at this point (yikes) the thing I said was about a fence that just won’t let me pass. And knowing that, basically, my self-injury monster was on it’s way to get me.
These walls and self-harm are interwoven experiences. And it’s a very foggy territory. Terrifying.
But I am the SI monster, and I am the wall builder, and I am the one trapped behind the wall. Even though my experience is just that I am the one trapped and the one not even able to communicate my experience because as I get closer to the wall I evaporate. I know that if I get to the evaporated point what I have done is retraumatize myself. That is NOT helpful. It may be time to do some communicating with my therapist via letter. I’m thinking it’s the experience of having the wall that might be useful to explore. Though I’m sure I can’t out loud. Out loud I’m more just the trapped one.