I found out something disturbing to me today. There’s a back story: when I was 17 my parents got moved with their job (pastors) to a city two and a half hours away. I was devastated leaving the five years of semi-stability I had in the city I lived in. I had to leave all my friends and my parents always told me very invalidating (I didn’t know that word at the time) things like “your friends don’t think you’re as important as you thought,huh? None of them have come to visit, no one is calling.”…etc. I think they were just trying to make my feelings seem insignificant to make their guilt go away about us moving all the time and me being the only one of the kids that didn’t adjust well. This is when I became depressed and suicidal and started injuring on a regular basis. I was bullied and ate lunch alone in the bathroom because everyone made fun of me. I ate granola bars in the bathroom on the second floor. Anyway, we were very involved in the church obviously. We were there almost every afternoon/night in the week. The young adult Sunday school teacher was a middle aged man, kind of on the weird side. Socially awkward for sure. I played guitar in the worship band and he was really good so he started teaching me more. One on one, but never alone. He had a wife, she was my parents right hand. She was in her fifties, a beautiful, warm lady from England. She was elegant and charming. In my very dark spot she seemed comforting, but she always seemed to like everyone more than me. I confided in her at least once that I can recall how I didn’t feel good in my head and how I doubted God…my struggle with believing or not. I had a lot of respect for her, her husband was nice and we all spent a lot of time together, along with all the other church regulars.
Today I was in the car with my parents and my brother and my parents told me that this man and his wife had come into his office and asked for a private meeting about me. He told my parents that he wanted to let them know that I wanted him, sexually, that I was coming on to him. He had his wife convinces of this as well. My parents never told me before…this was almost a decade ago! They said they wanted to protect me and they told this guy that that was ridiculous and he was mistaken. NOW it makes sense why she never liked me. That’s so untrue and so never crossed my mind, it disgust me thinking about him and his mustache and how could he think that! Sex was the last thing on my mind at 17, and when I WAS attracted to someone it was women! Women like his wife, not him. I’m soooooo mad, I want to send him nasty Facebook messages. I bet it was a blow to his ego when I came out two years later. They have since divorced. I’m not sure why my parents told me today randomly but it’s got me heated. I was thinking of how sad I was, how injuring was the only thing that made me feel better, how ashamed I was about that and my feelings for women, and how fast I could get out of my parents house…not a 50+ year old guy at church!