I am going to try and keep myself on track. I’m thinking of the serenity prayer. What I can control and what I cannot. I cannot control the past, so I don’t have to try and if I get upset about that my upset energy won’t do anything to change it. I cannot control other people’s behavior–I am having a very hard time with that right now. I am upset about my son’s behavior. It’s back to school time and I have seen photos online of people’s summer vacations and essays about being ready for the kids to go back. I have gotten involved with comparing– my son won’t leave the house with me, nevertheless leave town. I couldn’t get him to go to his doctor’s appointment today. And today someone asked me when he goes back and I just started crying. He isn’t going back. He missed about half the school year last year because he just won’t go. I have tried every intervention under the sun- and next year I just give up. But not really give up. Now I am paying to have him go to an online school and money is real tight and I have no idea if he’ll actually do the work. And he just turned off my rice because he doesn’t like rice. But he won’t do anything around the house– and I work here. So I am also somewhat on duty all day. And I am allowed to serve him anything I want for diner. (I have applied for jobs today– motivated by money and by *get me out of here*). So I have to wash all the dishes. What can I control. I could just eat out — but I can’t afford that. So if I need to use the kitchen I need to clean up after him. I am actually getting more angry– which feels much better than the collapsed, inward feeling I had when I started writing. So I have changed the way I feel– which is something I can change. But the externals show no sign of budging. I shouldn’t have let myself get really hungry– that’s a vulnerability. Keeping myself fed, money in the bank, exercise, child reasonably healthy/tended to, and creative work and recovery stuff is a boggle of mess– too much. None of it is going to budge. I feel sentenced to motherhood. I’m resenting him today. Not sure how to work with it.