I want to try and… I don’t know. What is my intention here? My intention is make a record for myself of what is going on. I went to a spiritual practice tonight and heard a talk about observing cause and effect without using it to make up stories about ourselves. Just x happened, then y. No x happened, thus I am a y sort of person. And coping well is taking the story about the self out. My intention is also to put stuff into words because I can feel the connection to what I am experiencing but I don’t have the words yet. I experienced more dissociation today then I have for a while–paralyzing for an hour then I went to the practice 6 hours after the trigger and I was still in something close to a stupor. And having such a sense of SI as a force outside of myself that I have no control over, it was coming, getting closer and closer. Hunting me. There is progress. No matter how real that felt, I could say out loud in my head: that isn’t true. And I can know that my therapist doesn’t believe in that and call him to mind and just trust him. I’ve never articulated my experience this clearly before. That is progress. I am not back to where I have been in the past. Out loud in my head–those are my hands and I’m the one in control of them. But there was storytelling about myself. The story was that… some shame here. The story was that I am mentally ill. I really lost the ability to function today and there were years when I didn’t….. I was going to say didn’t function– but that isn’t true. I have always fed myself, bathed, generally paid my bills. I have always been stronger than I thought I was. The difficulty I experienced today is nothing compared to what I used to experience regularly. But I was telling the story that I am just this sort of person– not capable. It isn’t true.
At the same time. I’ve just been saying to myself: safe. I guess the spiritual practice is what brought that up. It was helpful in regulating my emotions. What I want to focus on is: safe. I am just a container for all sorts of experience. Sometimes the thinking goes south. Also, not all the SI that I think has been going on has been going on, because some of it has just been thoughts. Strange how real the thoughts feel. They aren’t in the shared reality.
My plans for the day got derailed, but I did accomplish some stuff. I feel tempted to watch shows now that are likely to trigger me. That other side is trying to get me back. That’s the other reason I am writing. I am came here instead.
I feel scared of money, but not looking isn’t making things better. And I’m guessing that it isn’t as bad as I think it is. But I want to be gentle with myself and running numbers doesn’t feel like the right thing. I am here because I need to make a plan. I want to stay out of trouble. That’s what I choose. I think I can do some peaceful work. And I want to eat more.