I’m a little nervous because my whole family is coming to the city I live tomorrow evening. The WHOLE family, my mom and dad and sister and other sister and brother in law and brother and his girlfriend and then myself and my partner. I used to be so nervous my parents would see the scars on my arms, we haven’t lived in the same city since I was 18 and I’m 26 now. Anyway, now that all my secrets like self harm and addiction are out in the open there’s no denying it and there’s no hiding it. It would be so obvious if I wore long sleeves and pants around them in the 100 degree weather. And I actually don’t feel the need to hide that part of me from them, maybe a little bit, but I kind of have an attitude of “it is what it is” about my self harm scars. It just is, there’s nothing I can do about it now and it’s not so much embarrassing to me as it is a painful reminder to me. I used to be terrified of them knowing or seeing and I’d lie till I was blue in the face were I confronted. I’m so used to being honest now and so like the freedom honesty provides that it’s not worth it to lie about it. I still feel like the outcast. I feel left out. They were all in NC together this past week but we couldn’t afford to take the week off and had no way to get there and had no one to watch the dogs and cats so it wasn’t really an option. My mom posted a picture of them on Facebook and it made me miss them a lot. I always miss my Mom so much and have this ideal version of her in my head and them in real life I’m disappointed. Maybe I need to change my expectations. I imagine every daughter wants their mother to be the caregiving, comforting, woman. I do, I want her to be the person I call first to tell my deepest darkest secrets, I want to be able to call her about my relationship and my struggles. I guess I could but history proves that that could backfire on me and her reaction could be completely different from one hour to the next. I know they talk about me, my siblings say I’ve done everything (drugs,alcohol, lesbian, alcoholic, mental hospitals, rehab, therapy, financially failed…etc.) so they can’t really do anything that they will get in trouble for now. I remind them I haven’t been arrested and I didn’t get pregnant so they still have that. It’s funny, but it’s also serious because I DO feel like I took a different path than them and I feel different. So I look forward to seeing them tomorrow evening. I’m nervous and excited.