I was rude to someone today. Disrespectful. I used to be so meek and it seems to be the case that I am swinging in the opposite direction. How odd to see my personality change like that. It’s all confusing– because I wan’t all *that* rude. But I see that the consequence is that the event is not more tied to me than it might have been if I had just smiled and nodded. What I see is some sort of deeply root need to rebel bubbling out. It’s novel and has it’s own fun– not– can be really fun– I just don’t feel like other people can push me around me around any more. The person today used to have some authority over me but she doesn’t anymore– we are in the same positions but the courts were involved– because she involved them– and I won so now my rights are sure as stone. If she asks me to do anything I am highly inclined to decline. I pretty much said as much today. And then she tried some emotional blackmail– that that will make her son be nervous to leave her– he will be worried about her. I replied that that is not my responsibility and it shut the conversation down, which was my goal. And it is true. I am not responsible for other people’s emotions. I am such a docile person– the idea of painting me as potentially dangerous– because I have stated that I am not going to be compliant with requests… I guess I am feeling that a bit. I am not dangerous. It sounds callous to address someone’s suffering with that’s not my problem– it’s what I have learned from Alonon– and it wasn’t a situation with validity. Her son is grown– not a child. And the dynamics between the two of them really do have zero to do with me. My job it just to live my life, take care of my son. Look out for our best interests.
But I do see that I have swung from meek to a little too overtly rebellious. I now sometimes step on people’s toes. Which feels good in a way– not holding myself back so much that I am sure not to err. Instead, I can make a mistake, apologize, and move on.
This situation is one though that I can’t make sense of. I didn’t curse, raise my voice… do anything really so clearly unskillful. And I don’t really have the goal of a peaceful relationship because the relationship has been hopeless for a long time. And I do have the right to say no to people. …..I’m starting to think that maybe I wasn’t so unskillful after all.
And, of course, here I am inclined to jump to my default assessment: human interaction should just be avoided. But that isn’t true. And I do feel more stable as I build more relationships.
But I was motivated by spite. I know that. And I know that it is not a skillful emotion to act from. Somehow it feels like asserting my newly found power. Of course I am immature with power– I’m just figuring it out. I can give myself a break. My therapist like to talk about Ophra. Ophra would not have handled the interaction the way I did. Or O’Bama, He wouldn’t have either.
Maybe the skillful thing would be invite conversation. But there’s not anything to talk about– nothing I’m trying to get. And– this is the hang my head in shame part– what she is asking of– though she has no legal right to it– and though she has managed our relationship unskillfully in the past– it’s really quite reasonable stuff.
I’m thinking that maybe I will buy her some flowers. I’m going to think about it tonight, but I think that’s probably a really good idea. I am stoking our mutual animosity– I can act opposite instead. My goal is for my life to be smooth. And a bad relationship with her makes my life less smooth. And maybe this plan is really good because I did get to have my rebellious moment. But I can use it all to turn the conflict into some positive growth– in the relationship by being humble and in myself working through how to handle it all. Certainly an infinitely better solution that hurting myself– which is still the first thought in my mind. I’m uncomfortable– get me out. And punish me because I have been bad. And punish me because the world is cruel– it almost seems funny to me how I much I used to believe that the one true thing in the world was cruelty– it was the essential truth. I can choose not to let it be my truth….