I’m really upset. I can project quite a bit of into the situation with the blog now– for some reason I seem to need to reset my password every time I log in. And this simple math problems are not simple for me when I’m the sort of mood that would lead me to come here. Worth looking at because it’s exactly the same as something else in my life that is much harder to deal with. So- before I started recovery I would have been inclined to hide those facts– to feel shame about them. Now I know that I am entitled to my experience– I would have jumped right ahead in the past to tell myself that I am sure the math problems need to be there to decrease the junk, I am already receiving the generosity of this blog being here, so I should shut up and hide the discomfort. I can look at all that and go– oh– interesting– then move on. In the other situation I have been working very hard for 6 weeks to move on from the difficulty I am experiencing and I just don’t seem able to do it. I am normally a good sleeper but it’s also been 6 weeks since I got a good nights sleep. And the issue– I can ruminate on it– but I can’t catch the rumination and not be mean to myself for ruminating. Every way I go I feel like I’m bad. It made tears well up to write that out– that sense of trapped. And trapped in cage of my own deficits. I have been working really, really and I think I may just need to leave a situation that had been the major source of stability in my life– that’s what I went to it for– calm and order and it’s stabilizing effect. There was a change though that I just cannot get past. It has become that major destabilizing element in my life. Ad that conflict just makes it all even worse because I am very familiar with feeling like I have to take abuse in order to get protection. I am not being abused in this situation but all the feelings of invasion race to the surface. And I have hung in there and given it time but it isn’t changing– my response isn’t changing. And there is nothing I can do to change the situation. But the loss… these are my choices– loss or invasion– that loss is so profound. It’s something that has been so good for me– made me better, helped me out of bad situations…. it’s really hard for me to imagine life without it. And I feel just abandoned and there’s nothing I can do. I’m typing away as if analyzing will make a difference. It won’t. I’m still sitting here weepy. Wide awake when I should be sleeping. And faced with something that all the other people around me seem to have some trouble adapting to– but they can adapt. And I can’t move past it. I’ve been hurting myself a bit. This situation is the trigger. I know that it’s what I do when I don’t feel safe. I am know that it’s just a feeling and I am safe. I know that there is no magical force that makes me hurt myself. I am responsible for it all. I am trying to punish other people and I am trying to sooth myself. I want to start sleeping regularly again….. And I am furious with my therapist. I feel betrayed. And not understood. He really did miscalculate something. He isn’t flipping to all-bad in my mind. But he also seems less trustworthy. I spoke up about this situation, rather loudly, which is way out of character. Then in a more tempered way. At first I thought– no way should this situation change for just me– I’m one person. This is a system. then, encouraged, I started to think that maybe my experience meant something. It doesn’t. I want to move on.