I’ve lived with bipolar disorder for 20 years now. I didn’t seek treatment for it until 6 years ago, when things seemed unmanageable. It was then when I started self harming. Since then I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, having borderline personality disorder tendencies (whatever that means!) and anxiety.
I go through periods when I self harm a lot. If I’m not doing it, then I am thinking about doing it. Then, I can go for months without self harming.
Lately my mind cannot shut up or even take a break. My thoughts have been racing. It’s harder to concentrate on anything or finish tasks. It’s almost impossible for me to sleep through the night. I am more irritable. I have a hard time dealing/coping with these changes so I turn to self harming. It’s instant gratification. I know it’s wrong, but it feels so right.
I generally can hide what’s going on and nobody (except for my husband) will know I am suffering. I try to function and if I can’t function, I isolate myself from others. I am starting to isolate. I’m not returning friends’ phone calls. Skipping events I am invited to, etc. I sit awake at night and wish I was just “normal”. I feel like a freak. I know I am not the only one in this world who suffers. Why can’t I handle my emotions/feelings and everyone else seems to do so just fine? Why do I turn to self harming when others can go for a run or talk it out with a friend? I don’t want to wake up in the mornings. I lie there and think, too bad it’s another day. Who does that? I should be grateful for my beautiful family and supportive husband. I have a job (during the school year) and a roof over my head. Why do I feel so selfish? I am blessed but cannot seem to make that be enough to feel okay. I lie awake at night and think of all the things I regret in my past. I cannot forgive myself. It’s a viscous cycle.
My mind is spiraling out of control and it’s freaking me out! I am grateful that I am not hallucinating though. 🙂 I’ve been medication free for a year and a half but I think it may be time to get on something. I am trying my hardest to be hopeful that things will turn around. This morning I was so upset that I couldn’t just self harm more. I know it’s summer and people would see the marks. I’ve been through this before and hope I can make it through again. I have been hospitalized in the past, many times, and I just don’t want to end up back there. I want to be strong and beat this on my own. I self harm and I feel better. I worry about the time when I go to S.I., and it’s not enough anymore. Then what? I am screaming inside for help. God please help me. Take away this pain I feel. Lead me in the right direction towards recovery.