It is not all about me, I know that. But when someone does not want to get together with me for lunch, when a text is ignored, when a phone call not returned, or even a FB friend request is never accepted (even though that person has clearly been online) I feel that I have done something wrong. It is so easy for others to have things “slide of their backs” – No big deal, right? It is that other person’s loss. But why does it still hurt and feel like I am unworthy of another person’s time? This is a repeating emotion/thought/feeling for me (in fact I am sure I have written a post or two about it). I know there could be several reasons why that person doesn’t respond and those reasons may have nothing to do with me, but I still can’t help but wonder – especially when it happens more than once. Sometimes I wish people could just be honest. At least I wouldn’t hold on to hope. Maybe I am being a bit dramatic and going overboard, but it is hard to stop the repeating question of “what is wrong with me?”, even though I know it may not be me at all.
On another note, I was out walking today. I find I think a lot about things during my walks. Today the thoughts were about the difficulty of forgiving myself. I realize that I still blame myself a lot of for the abuse that happened. I blame myself acting the way I did, for allowing things to happen the way they did, for telling someone and then the consequences of telling the truth. Sometimes I don’t really realize how much I really blame myself because the guilt has become part of my being. The thought of “I am a bad person” have leaked into other parts. I make a small mistake and it’s an automatic “I’m bad”. I think back to things I did as a kid and cringe. I tried to fit in and in 2nd grade made fun of a classmate’s family member. This happened 20 years ago and I still feel awful about saying that even though it is what kids do/say sometimes – plus it was 2nd grade. But these are the things that I think about still and feel like I need to punish myself for. Silly, I know…but how do I stop this? I want to eliminate this immensely heavy guilt from my life. It is just hard to learn and put into practice that self forgiveness. (and I am sure I have written about this in a post or two too)
When will I allow things to change? There is a comfort that comes in knowing my feelings – even the negative. Sometimes I am afraid of what it will look like to forgive myself. Do I have the right to forgive myself? Maybe I am the one to blame.
Blueray,
First, it’s frustrating when you try to reach people and you are getting nothing back from them. I can completely understand how you are feeling here, because I too hate it when people are not just honest with me up front. For me, I always get afraid that I did something to make them angry with me. We both are worrying more than we should though. Let me reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you. Like you said, there could be a lot of reasons that this stuff is happening (busyness). It’s still frustrating though. If they have a problem with you and choose not to tell you, they are the ones with the problem. And if they choose not to tell you that they are too busy or whatever to spend time with you or whatever it is you are wanting/needing from them, again, they are the ones with the problem.
Second, whatever it is that happened to you, it is not your fault. You did not ask for it, and you most certainly could not walk through it alone, so you had to tell someone. Forgiving oneself is a very hard thing. Someone once told me to treat myself the same way I treat my friends. Why? Because we are a lot nicer to them than we are to ourselves. Would you say those things to your best friend? I doubt it. So say those things that you would say to your best friend, to yourself. It takes a lot of practice. Believe me. I’m still having to work on that a lot. Some people find it easier to write out that conversation between themselves and their friend, while others can just do it in their heads. This did help me to forgive myself for something that was quite bad. And to answer your question, you do have the right to forgive yourself.