It is not all about me, I know that. But when someone does not want to get together with me for lunch, when a text is ignored, when a phone call not returned, or even a FB friend request is never accepted (even though that person has clearly been online) I feel that I have done something wrong. It is so easy for others to have things “slide of their backs” – No big deal, right? It is that other person’s loss. But why does it still hurt and feel like I am unworthy of another person’s time? This is a repeating emotion/thought/feeling for me (in fact I am sure I have written a post or two about it). I know there could be several reasons why that person doesn’t respond and those reasons may have nothing to do with me, but I still can’t help but wonder – especially when it happens more than once. Sometimes I wish people could just be honest. At least I wouldn’t hold on to hope. Maybe I am being a bit dramatic and going overboard, but it is hard to stop the repeating question of “what is wrong with me?”, even though I know it may not be me at all.
On another note, I was out walking today. I find I think a lot about things during my walks. Today the thoughts were about the difficulty of forgiving myself. I realize that I still blame myself a lot of for the abuse that happened. I blame myself acting the way I did, for allowing things to happen the way they did, for telling someone and then the consequences of telling the truth. Sometimes I don’t really realize how much I really blame myself because the guilt has become part of my being. The thought of “I am a bad person” have leaked into other parts. I make a small mistake and it’s an automatic “I’m bad”. I think back to things I did as a kid and cringe. I tried to fit in and in 2nd grade made fun of a classmate’s family member. This happened 20 years ago and I still feel awful about saying that even though it is what kids do/say sometimes – plus it was 2nd grade. But these are the things that I think about still and feel like I need to punish myself for. Silly, I know…but how do I stop this? I want to eliminate this immensely heavy guilt from my life. It is just hard to learn and put into practice that self forgiveness. (and I am sure I have written about this in a post or two too)
When will I allow things to change? There is a comfort that comes in knowing my feelings – even the negative. Sometimes I am afraid of what it will look like to forgive myself. Do I have the right to forgive myself? Maybe I am the one to blame.