I’m so sad. I can’t “shake it”. My cat is sick and won’t be around much longer and I don’t know how to sit with this. I guess I AM doing it because in this moment I’m not hurting and I’m not using drugs or drinking. I want to hurt myself but if I do I have to write that down in this weekly chart thing I do and I’ll have to tell my therapist next Wednesday when we go over it and I don’t want to tell anyone. I want it to be my secret again, my own little friend I have always with me to make me feel better in an instant. Because now it works again, it’s not something I do on a regular basis so when I do, it works. Sometimes I don’t even see the harm in it. It hurts my partner though, and it puts more scars on my body and it doesn’t feel good to admit it to people. And the obvious-it’s not a healthy way to cope with my feelings. I just want to not be sad 🙁 the urge to si isn’t terrible, but it’s there floating around. On a different note, I’m very anxious today, the kind where I notice myself paying attention to every time thing my body does and I feel my throat tighten and my chest feel heavy and the thoughts perpetuate themselves. I feel venerable to an anxiety attack. I’ve gotten good at calming myself down, it took a lot of practice…I’m not doing a very good job of it right now. I’m at work though and I don’t want to make a scene. I know the anxiety over having an anxiety attack will make it worse so I’m trying to distract.