I opened up my laptop for this one, smartphone keypad is too small for how much my fingers need to type. I’m home alone today, my car is being worked on later so I’m stuck here with no car. Just myself and my pets and a lot of feelings. My therapist and I have talked a lot about my relapse, things to learn from it and that sort of stuff. I drink to feel the feelings I don’t express sober, which makes sense why I rarely cry, even when I want to cry something in me puts up a wall. Not always, and not the past month, but in general. Self- injury for me is a way to snap back to reality, a way to punish myself with pain, a way to distract myself, a release for my anger or sadness or some big emotion. Tomorrow is a month sober, I don’t know any other way to explain that miracle except a higher power stronger than my alcohol addiction. That obsession lifted right out of me like, the way I can describe it to myself is like an exorcism. Like all the dirty things I’ve done, and the demons and the obsession and compulsion to use, and the insanity was pulled out of me by some big loving energy, just swept right through me and took it away. Some sleepless nights, bad dreams, a lot of contemplation of ending my life , and anxiety, and here I am surviving a month later. Life is throwing some curve balls, but I’m OK. I feel empty a lot, I feel love for my partner, and from her, and from my family and a few friends, I feel cared about and I care about other, I feel a little bit stronger. But there is the empty hole that has always been, the one that sneaks up on me at night and leaves me feeling hopeless and curled up in my bed like a child. Lately I’ve been reliving a lot of childhood fears, I lay in bed awake through the night in a panic, thinking of death and the “what-if’s” and the afterlife, and all this dark stuff that used to keep me up as a child that I never talked about. That empty hole, that’s the one! I just want to get better. I’m scared of it too, but I want it more than I’m scared of it. I feel like I don’t deserve to be not in jail, not dead, not having killed someone else, not locked away in a psych ward, I feel almost like I deserve to feel worse than I do due to the stupid choices I was making. It’s crazy how some things seem like such a normal choice when intoxicated but sober and clear minded they seem absolutely insane. I cringe thinking of what could have happened. One thing I can say online but I don’t know that I’d tell anyone face to face except my therapist is that I was driving a friend around drunk, not once, not twice but a lot. She needed a ride home and I took her, not thinking twice. Alcohol open in my bag in the backseat, drunk, driving on the highway at 60mph and I’m driving around this mother of 7 children and I could have killed her, her having no idea that I was trashed. These are the thoughts that are coming up. Please don’t judge me.
Today, like I said, I’m home alone. I would have asked a friend to come pick me up but I have been waiting on the guy to come fix our water heater. Cold showers are no fun. I was laying in my bed messing around on my phone and I got curious to know if all the bottles I threw over the fence at the abandoned house when I was drinking were still there. I threw them over there to hide them, and then I threw some over there swearing I’d never drink again. Later that day I put on long sleeves, long pants, a hat, gloves, and sunglasses on to crawl through the bushes and trees and see if there was any liquor left in the bottle I smashed against the old house wall because the compulsion kicked in. There wasn’t. So today I started to feel restless and FEEL in general and I decided to get a chair and look over the fence. I’m pretty short and I couldn’t see al the way over the fence even with the chair so I climbed on the fence and looked over and there were my empty bottles. I don’t know what I was looking for, or why I even felt compelled to go out there. I felt done and I got my dogs and called them inside and I went inside to my kitchen and got overwhelmed with all this emotion. I don’t know WHAT emotion it is but it happened and I grabbed a tool that was sitting on the counter and thought of injuring, I was crying and I felt relief. I ended up injuring. Then I cried and felt calm. I felt ok again. I hate and love when self injury works for me. I’m not glorifying it, it’s clearly unhealthy, but this is my experience and I’m writing about it because I don’t understand it. I hadn’t even been thinking of self-injury before I saw the tool in that second of all these feelings exploding out of me. Had it not been there I’d probably have not done it, but I grabbed it so fast. It just reminds me how vulnerable I am right now. I know that vulnerability will lessen as I keep moving forward, but today it caught me off guard. I can’t undo the damage so I am trying to not beat myself up about it. I know recovery is a process, and I’m not going to let it set me back, but I am baffled and scared of my fear of feeling. I want to know how that developed, is it my fault ? Is all this my fault? Despite my injuring today and my feelings being all over the map and the life stuff going on…I’m ok and I’m so grateful to be sober that I don’t even have the words to express it.