I have plenty of time to think. Think of how I am and the way that I am. One thought that I always have is that I’m useless and mean nothing to the ones that say I’m a friend or says they care about me. I don’t do a whole lot at the moment. I don’t have a job so I have a lot of time to myself. One thing that I do to keep my mind on other things is write and I read.
It’s my writing that works the best though. I can put myself somewhere else and let everything that is bottled inside out. I can put how I feel down and have it be someone else in a way. Some could say that it could be a cry for help.
With my writing, I have asked a few people to read it for me. One loved what I wrote but didn’t ask me about some of the things in it. Especially parts that should have stood out as needing help. Another person I don’t think even really bothered to read any of it after they said that they would. I don’t think that it was too much to ask. I wasn’t asking them to go out and buy something or to give me anything but feedback in return.
I even give them the thing to read. This was someone that I thought was a friend. Someone that I thought that I could talk to but I was wrong in so many ways. How do you know who you can really talk to about things? How can you tell when someone actually cares and really wants to help???????
Scorpion,
Those questions are hard. It has taken me getting hurt many times to figure that out. And honestly, I still don’t think I have. But allow me to tell you about a friend of mine who I can seriously trust with anything. I have told him every secret of mine, some stuff I have revealed to him that I have only trusted my counselor with. What is it about this particular friend that makes him that trustworthy? He is the most gracious, honest, and patient man I have ever met. When I do something wrong, he is not afraid to tell me. Because he cares about me too much to let me go down the wrong path. Yet he is gracious enough to watch how he uses his words and to also see things from my perspective. He has also spent the past five years walking with me through all of my junk. One thing that I think allows him to do that (and I think a lot of us here struggle with this), is the fact that he has really good boundaries. So when he does give me his time and attention, he is not worn out, but can give me everything that he has to offer. For me personally, I am very observant. I pay very close attention to comments people say, their interactions with others, things like that. That alone often tells me whether or not I can trust someone. Like I said, it has taken a lot of heartache for me to get to where I am. And I know it will never be perfect and it will probably take a lot more heartache.
Scorpion I see u have a trust issue. When someone says they believe in u most likely they do. I don’t know much about u but I would like to be one that u trust. Sometimes I have to hint to get out what my kids think of me and how I raised them. Finally my eldest told me I have yet to here from my youngest although I know they both care for me. And I believe several people believe in you. When u write something ask them what they think. Don’t assume you wrote wrong.
I started SH again and having a hard time stopping. The last coping skill I have yet to use is to call someone. This is the hardest part for me. Like it is 12:30am I don’t have the strength to call anyone at this time.
Yeah, I know that I have a trust issue anymore. With how many times I’ve been hurt by someone, it’s hard to really trust anymore. Even the ones that I should be able to talk to openly, I don’t trust completely.
As for my writing, trust me, I ask what they think about it. That’s what I’m wanting. For once, I want to know that I’ve done something right and someone else actually likes it.