Well, after being put together for a long time, I just let myself fall apart.  I had a breakdown where I did everything harmful i possibly could.  I just let go.  I let myself take everything I needed out. I let myself destroy every ounce of self resistance I built up.  And I dont really mind it right now.  It let me break apart.  I literally broke down everything.  I want to say I regret it.  But today was easier.  I dont want to SI.  In any way.  Food is always tricky, but I really didnt mind today.  I want to be healthier.  So I’m going to hold off on this vicious cycle I fall into.  I wont Si again.  Until I need it.  Until I need to.  Until I cant hold back anymore.  I know its not healthy.  But I think its better for the time being that I am not si-ing  4 or 5 times a month.  This way its easier once a month.  Give myself that one day I can totally be a wreck.  Idk.  This wont help at all in the long run.  This isnt the answer.  I know its not.  But being able to fall apart, piece by piece, felt…..real.  Like I finally felt someone in my life.  Like something actually made me feel better.  Rather than working every night, doing homework, reading, stressing, blah blah blah!!!! I needed to feel myself again.  I know im not well.  I know I shouldnt do this. But then again, the other day, my dad told me I had to control my temper, maybe show a little less emotion.  What??? I try to open up and this is what I get.  No wonder I always keep it inside.  After this, i can put together the mask i always wear.  Itll be easier for me for the next few weeks.  Idk.  I feel crazy.  I shouldnt be doing this.  SI isnt the answer, but idk what is.