Well, after being put together for a long time, I just let myself fall apart. I had a breakdown where I did everything harmful i possibly could. I just let go. I let myself take everything I needed out. I let myself destroy every ounce of self resistance I built up. And I dont really mind it right now. It let me break apart. I literally broke down everything. I want to say I regret it. But today was easier. I dont want to SI. In any way. Food is always tricky, but I really didnt mind today. I want to be healthier. So I’m going to hold off on this vicious cycle I fall into. I wont Si again. Until I need it. Until I need to. Until I cant hold back anymore. I know its not healthy. But I think its better for the time being that I am not si-ing 4 or 5 times a month. This way its easier once a month. Give myself that one day I can totally be a wreck. Idk. This wont help at all in the long run. This isnt the answer. I know its not. But being able to fall apart, piece by piece, felt…..real. Like I finally felt someone in my life. Like something actually made me feel better. Rather than working every night, doing homework, reading, stressing, blah blah blah!!!! I needed to feel myself again. I know im not well. I know I shouldnt do this. But then again, the other day, my dad told me I had to control my temper, maybe show a little less emotion. What??? I try to open up and this is what I get. No wonder I always keep it inside. After this, i can put together the mask i always wear. Itll be easier for me for the next few weeks. Idk. I feel crazy. I shouldnt be doing this. SI isnt the answer, but idk what is.
What? Show a little less emotion? Really? That made me angry just reading that! I couldn’t imagine how it felt for you to hear that. It hurts so much when the people who are supposed to encourage you to express your true feelings in a healthy way, don’t, but instead, brush you and your feelings off like dirt. Please know that your feelings are important to you regardless of what anyone else may say about them. Those who truly are healthy people for you to be around will realize that too, and regardless of what they think of your feelings, will recognize that what you are feeling is important to you and will respect that.