Well, after being put together for a long time, I just let myself fall apart. I had a breakdown where I did everything harmful i possibly could. I just let go. I let myself take everything I needed out. I let myself destroy every ounce of self resistance I built up. And I dont really mind it right now. It let me break apart. I literally broke down everything. I want to say I regret it. But today was easier. I dont want to SI. In any way. Food is always tricky, but I really didnt mind today. I want to be healthier. So I’m going to hold off on this vicious cycle I fall into. I wont Si again. Until I need it. Until I need to. Until I cant hold back anymore. I know its not healthy. But I think its better for the time being that I am not si-ing 4 or 5 times a month. This way its easier once a month. Give myself that one day I can totally be a wreck. Idk. This wont help at all in the long run. This isnt the answer. I know its not. But being able to fall apart, piece by piece, felt…..real. Like I finally felt someone in my life. Like something actually made me feel better. Rather than working every night, doing homework, reading, stressing, blah blah blah!!!! I needed to feel myself again. I know im not well. I know I shouldnt do this. But then again, the other day, my dad told me I had to control my temper, maybe show a little less emotion. What??? I try to open up and this is what I get. No wonder I always keep it inside. After this, i can put together the mask i always wear. Itll be easier for me for the next few weeks. Idk. I feel crazy. I shouldnt be doing this. SI isnt the answer, but idk what is.