I feel the need to check in somewhere I might be understood. Odd in the face of the fact that I’m going to be with people who want nothing but to support me. But I’ve been trying to explain a bit to two people about a book about bpd… how much I see myself. How it made me make more sense to myself. Neither friend will have it– and they are sensitive people. Both just really reactive to the idea of a personality disorder. I really don’t care what it’s called– I know that there is something different about me, and I am finding great comfort in identifying– and not seeing it as defining me or anything and it makes me mad. They don’t see the worst, but they see plenty of its shadow. I guess the experience of trying to share felt invalidating. They are caring people and now that I have that boiled down I can share that. It is just not helpful when they ..but everyone…. blah blah. And just because bad things happened to you then *you* have a disorder blah blah. I don’t care about any of those ways of thinking– I only care that my outrageous reactions make sense in some frame. And that there is a frame that can keep me propped up without hurting me.
And one friend has been lonely so wanting to spend a lot of time together and I do not want to spend a lot of time with her. I love quiet. I can do better protecting my boundaries.
And I am having a very, very hard time with a change in my therapy. It has left me undone at the seams occasionally. My therapist coaching me about how they are nice people at the emergency room and to go there, which I never have, but honestly would prefer than to sliding back to hurting myself. But I have been handling it myself with the help of medication I’ve used more of than I have in years. It’s all embarrassing. My friends don’t really understand any of this– they get that I’m upset but they don’t get the teeter on self-destruction and I am not about to tell them about it but then I’m upset that they don’t understand. My thought is that I am a horrible person and that is not true. I’m working through the situation with my therapist– I’ve noticed that sometime when I’m like a robot walking again and again into a wall– like with the friends and they don’t understand– he just shifts my focus to “what about me?” And he sure does understand. So I can do that for myself. Just take that attention and focus on where someone does get what’s going on. He very much gets it.
So- I’ve made it so far through this un-doing stressor. Look- no injuries, ma! …such a lame accomplishment….. but it’s been rather consuming. And it’s really really really really really really really hard to keep it up. Yesterday, with the help of medication, I was even able to focus on work a bit– first time in a week and half. I’ve been going out. Being around people. Today I’m going to do the same thing. Be around people who care about me. It wouldn’t be helpful to tell them though about the extent of what’s going on because they would be reactive and that would not be helpful. I guess I am feeling isolated. I feel really sad after I type that. And just have no idea how the situation with therapy works out– a resident has joined the group that I have been in for four years and it was just my therapist leading it. How that has managed to take over my life seems ridiculous to me– that is a judgment and judgement does not help. I can’t even figure out how to think about the situation in terms that are other than judging. I am absurd. I am in emotion mind– that is not judging. I want to keep writing but I need to get ready to go.