So I was just relaxing today and enjoying myself. And then all of the sudden I began to feel very angry. Angry at my mom for failing to protect me after what happened. I wrote a letter to her a while back at the suggestion of someone who has been helping me through all of this, and I just felt this urge to email it to her. But I knew that would be a bad idea, so I of course did not act on this impulse. Due to my intense emotions at the moment, I am having a really hard time not hurting myself. I am afraid that once the anger is past, then the really deep emotions will start to surface, and I will really begin to feel my grief over the terrible way my mom spoke to me after what happened to me. Feeling such deep emotion really terrifies me. It is much easier to say aloud that I am angry. It is much much harder (almost impossible), for me to say that I am hurt and disgusted. It took me a while to get those words out in counseling a couple of weeks ago after I told her that I know I am not just angry and she asked me what else I was feeling. It is just really really hard for me to get to those deeper emotions that I hate to feel. As silly as it sounds, my biggest fear above dealing with these deeper emotions is that I will start crying and won’t be able to stop.