I haven’t been here in a long time now. I thought that maybe I was getting better. I was able to control the urges that I had.
Now, I just don’t care. I’ve pulled my tool back out and I’ve already used it. The feelings weren’t there but the pain that I needed is. It’s there now. Just the way that I need it right now.
Most people just don’t understand what all I’m going through. They act like they do, but they don’t. They truly have no idea what is going on with me. Most of the time, it feels like they don’t care one way or another. For the most part, it’s like I’m not there unless they need something from me. That’s the worse feeling in the world to have. Not being wanted by family or friends.
I have given everyone warning signs that something is wrong but no one listens. At first, they were little things. That I was sore. That I feel depressed. Now, I have made comments that are more direct. One my FB page, I posted several notes about how I feel and what is going on. The only comment I really got was that would upset my mom. Nothing about what is wrong or just a simple talk to me. It was all about my mom and how something would be for her. That’s a huge slap in the face!
So I have decided that it’s best if I turned back into the way that I was. Start to SI once again just so I can feel something other then loneliness, anger and hurt.