I feel like a storm is brewing/happening within me. There are so many different feelings and I don’t know how to focus or stay in control. I am having a difficult time just being in the moment and taking one thing at at time. Mostly I feel guilt. Now is the perfect time for me to visit family, but I don’t. I make up some excuse about how I am working and don’t have the money to travel. While all of that is partly true, I could make it work if I tried. But I don’t. It’s not that I don’t want to be around my family (even though when I am that brings up another set of feelings), it’s just I am selfish and ashamed really. I don’t particularly like how I look lately. I have gained weight and while I am trying to lose some of it, I still feel uncomfortable. Also there is the chance of showing a scar or two. While I am very careful to cover what I need to, there are still questions about why I am wearing long-sleeves in summer. My (extended) family doesn’t know and they don’t need to know.
I am also getting extremely anxious about going back to school and finishing my grad program. I like the classes and the content, just not all of my peers. Sometimes it can be a challenge to be around the cliques and feel like an outsider. Also, if all things go as planned, I will be graduating next year. I am nervous about finding a job, liking a job, and feeling like this degree was worth it. My fear is that I will find a job, realize I am not happy in this profession and then feel like I am a failure and feel at a loss of what to do.
I have a few weeks left to enjoy some more free time this summer. However, I am having trouble relaxing and enjoying this time. I am allowing the negative self-talk to overwhelm me. I need it to stop. I need to focus on the good, all the wonderfulness that I do have, and take things one thing at a time and only worry about what I need to worry about today. I need to build up my self-confidence instead of tearing myself down at every opportunity. It sounds so simple, yet it seems like a goal that is near impossible to accomplish.