I’m sitting here waiting on my therapist to call me back to discuss whether I need to go in the hospital for S.I. and suicidal urges. I just found out that my insurance won’t pay for S.A.F.E. so that is not going to be an option for me which is just another hit. Why do I have to continually get hospitalized for acute care that doesn’t provide any lasting help. I so long to be able to get residential care that will actually help me but I’m not of the upperclass to be able to self-pay for something like that.
I have this emptiness that I need to fill with something. It’s a void, a hole, and it hurts. I’m restless and irritable. Coping skills don’t seem to fill the void. So far I’m resisting S.I. but I don’t know for how much longer. I hate myself with so much rage and I don’t know how to release it. I can’t even put it into words which makes me hate myself even more. I just want to cry but it is so hard for me to cry. I hate emotions.