I’m sitting here waiting on my therapist to call me back to discuss whether I need to go in the hospital for S.I. and suicidal urges.  I just found out that my insurance won’t pay for S.A.F.E. so that is not going to be an option for me which is just another hit.  Why do I have to continually get hospitalized for acute care that doesn’t provide any lasting help.  I so long to be able to get residential care that will actually help me but I’m not of the upperclass to be able to self-pay for something like that.

I have this emptiness that I need to fill with something.  It’s a void, a hole, and it hurts.  I’m restless and irritable.  Coping skills don’t seem to fill the void.  So far I’m resisting S.I. but I don’t know for how much longer.  I hate myself with so much rage and I don’t know how to release it.  I can’t even put it into words which makes me hate myself even more.  I just want to cry but it is so hard for me to cry.  I hate emotions.