My will to keep things safe is dwindling. Intellectually, I understand exactly what’s going on. What I am reacting to. What it is reminding me of. The emotional life just even more wants revenge and obliteration. Bad options are looking reasonable. Betrayal is everywhere. Danger is everywhere. I am both pushed around and don’t exist at all. There are entirely separate emotional lives on different channels. I am rejected and punished and bad in the place I had come to rely on at the same that career stuff is path lying down before me. I exist in circumstance. I should only be grateful, and I am grateful. I am also disgusted by approval I get for success. It’s more evidence. Nothing is stable.