I am not the pile of sunshine that I have been lately. Everything but silver linings was invisible to me–I went for something career-wise. Got it. Am standing on the threshold of possibilities that could all fall through. But I at least will have always gotten to this point, which is already one-mount everest length higher than anything I would have dreamed. I can come back and reflect on that. I can focus on my projects. I put everything aside and do anything that makes me feel safe. I bought myself grape juice– a treat I love. And wondered CVS and got the glue sticks I needed. Take my time. Just buy something for lunch– take good care of myself. And I have a way now of slipping into survival mode– just make sure everything is safe and the rest will pass. Be good to myself– that is allowed. There’s a sort of chief who can separate from the rest and take charge, just make sure I am safe. And tomorrow my therapist will be there though I want him to disappear, I can also take change and get myself there.
I don’t really know what to do with the trouble. I am doing a good job of not letting it hurt me. I’m not going to make it like this forever, but things also do change and I have a lot in my life that I want to be well for. My life is kind of luxurious and awesome.
Last night I slipped into a bad state of feeling like a dead shell with racing insides–totally gone at the same time that everything was so intense and I was terrified and frozen. It’s been a long time since I was there. I feel demoted to have experienced that again. And I know what triggered it. I am having a lot of difficulty with a change at the outpatient clinic where I go. Feeling totally invaded is bringing me back. It makes me hate everyone, trust no one. I’ve always been a gentle person, but I’m starting to get the impulse for revenge–which never made sense to me before.
And my sone did something. I yelled at him and started crying. He almost never sees me yell, none the less cry because I am so mad at him. ….just deep breaths over that.
It’s really, really difficult for me to hold the difficult and the pleasant. Literally makes me nauseous. No one feels trustworthy–that’s the most difficult part of it all.