It all began when I was 10 the first time I s.i .. I dont remember exactly what made me do it  why I did it or what made me even think of doing that it just happened naturally. I’m 21 now and trying my hardest to stop and remain strong but more and more darkness rushes my way which makes it sooooo difficult to overcome. I tried to think what may be the cause of this problem what made me do this at age 10? I never even knew this is something other people do to their selves I always thought I was the only screwed up person in the head to do something like this to themselves until I reached middle school and saw a lifetime movie about s.i and thats when I knew I wasnt the only one facing this demon. Its depressing I think about death every single day I dont see what is my purpose at times on being here why was I created? i do know I always wanted to be a OBGYN its my dream but how can I face patients everyday when I cant even face society and feel uncomfortable every time i step out my door. Every where i go i feel people look at me , look at my scars and judge me i feel like everyone around me is just judging me but do not understand my pain -_- why do i feel this way?
Could it be all the abused i received from my older brother and sister for no reason everyday and the anger/pain is growing within my soul of all the years of abuse?… my parent were never home they worked all day and all night to provide for us so my brother or sister always watched me but my cousin who my mom took into our home was my protector he always protected me from them hid me so they cant hit me and do messed up sick things to me and make me do things. I was never able to defend myself I was to small and my sister is 10years older than me and my brother is 5years older than me. Then my cousin he died when i was 10 which made my world darker, and I was no longer safe. My parents didnt know anything they worked to much they barely were around we grew up really poor spanish community in miami. Or maybe could it be when I was raped by my uncle when I was 9.. my childhood was…..no words ….. -_- I dont know if this may be the reason of how it all started i just remember being in a huge fight with my brother he abused me and I ran outside and saw a tool and that was my first s.i….  I wonder everyday what is the cause of this, why did i do it and why cant i stop? I think about the past every single day.  My husband has in the past helped me alot when we were kids and actually helped me slow down doing it for awhile we have been together since I was 12 years old, we married in February of this year. I think I want a divorce… after 9 years of my life I have given this man. Lastnight made me get a step closer; we had a  huge physical fight which is not the 1st..  just thinking about lastnight hurts my soul and i cant stop crying, since i woke up this morning my heart keeps dropping to my stomach every 2 minutes  i want to leave but im so scared.. he doesnt give me the chance he blocks every attempt.. i dont know what to do next he caught me this morning trying to s.i myself in the bathroom after i locked myself in there and he kicked the door down..he was my biggest supporter and now he doesnt help me anymore like he use to but only call me crazy which hurts so bad deeply inside.  Most of the times i did s.i is because of him ..dont get me wrong  he makes me ‘FEEL’ happy on a everyday basis, I cant wait to get home to him when i get off work, every second with him is always filled with pure joy the bond we have built over all these years is just so unbreakable the connection we have how well we know each other but when we fight…. is as if he becomes possessed and is not my husband anymore and we dont fight that often maybe once twice a month but when we do it only gets soooooooooooo intense/horrific/scary compared to the previous fights it fills me with fear.. so much fear… that im scared to fall asleep in my home… the last time i s.i was sunday and i cried and tried and cried and tried not to do it but it was as if the devil just takes control over me i cant stop, it hurts so bad i dont want to keep doing this to myself i want to stop i need to stop i just dont know how to let go of the one thing that always satisfied me in a sick way… i feel so lost so confused so hurt and betrayed especially from my husband i do not trust him at all he broke the trust hes been trying to prove himself to me, tries to show me this can work that he make me trust him again and fill me with happiness.. i dont know if im happy honestly i only feel happy when we are in good terms and im next to him but as soon as he is not in my eyesight depression overflows me and my mind goes at war