One of my short-term goals was to apologize less. Needless to say, it’s not going that well. Everything I do, I feel as if I do it wrong, and that it will never be good enough. I even feel sorry for my family that I have depression. I feel like the most selfish person in the world, because in my eyes, I have no reason to have these issues. And I hate myself for it. I look in the mirror everyday and see my scars and hate myself and hate myself and hate myself. I look at myself and wonder how could I do this to myself? But inevitably, I find myself falling into the same patterns, desperatly searching for the same release in SI. And Everytime I see my injuries or whatever I have done this time, all I can feel is that I deserve every. Single. One. And I deserve the pain and the shame, and then I hurt myself more. It’s a vicious cycle and I am completly stuck.
What types of things do you to take care of yourself? What I mean is, what kind of things to do just for you – not for anyone else?
Learning to take care of yourself better will help you learn you don’t have to apologize as much. You don’t need to apologize for being you, for honestly being you. It’s hard to stop apologizing, at least it has been for me, but the more I’ve started learning how to take care of myself — the less I’ve been apologizing.
For example, I like smelly lotion —- so… I wear it everyday, not just when I’m going to work or to therapy or class. I wear it everyday because I deserve to feel good and smelly lotion makes me feel good… even if I’m the only one who notices the smelly lotion.
Another example is in that I go to bed at the same time every night. I give myself a bedtime because I know my body needs the rest. Then, I do my best to make better use of the hours of the day that I’m not “scheduled to be in bed asleep”. When I get more rest, I feel better and I can function better.
Do you like to keep your nails painted?
What about wearing a certain necklace or bracelet?
Try scheduling a little bit of time just to do something for you. I know this is hard and I struggle with it all the time, but I’ve come to make a big deal out of me getting to bed at my bedtime! I don’t let anyone get in my way if I can help it because getting solid rest helps me be a better person.
Quite interesting that the first commenter would talk about self-care. That is exactly what my counselor told me yesterday: “If you are feeling bad about yourself, do something nice for yourself.” For me, I love warm baths. I also love perfumes. Another thing I like to do for myself is buy these scented tarts. Or, if I am on a very tight budget like I am now, just finding one of my good books and giving myself permission to have some time to myself. It’s not wrong whatsoever.