My sister posted a picture on Facebook of us in Easter 1991, I was 4 years old and she was maybe 8 months. I’ve been sober one week. I feel “shell shocked” from this relapse. Just smacked in the face and broken again. I was at this girls house alone after work today letting her giant German Shepard out for a walk. I had some time to kill before my AA meeting so I just sat inside with the dog and was messing around on my phone. I was bored and I went back scrolling through my pictures and I looked at that picture and cropped it to just me so I could scroll to see me grown up. This is when it happened. I made the connection that the cute little girl in the first picture is the same person as the next picture which is the same person as me right now. I felt like someone knocked the air out of my chest and tears started streaming. All I could think about was how soft and beautiful her little arms were before I damaged them. I looked at my scars on my body now and looked at that little girl and can’t imagine hurting her like that. Then I thought of all the pills and alcohol, the poison, that I’ve put in my body and I saw myself pouring a bottle of vodka in the little girls mouth, making her take shot after shot after shot while she’s begging me not to. Then I imagined her drowsy and slurring her words from the pills and saying she’s had enough and please stop now and I give her another. I cried for a very long time. I didn’t realize I was rubbing her little face repeatedly on my iPhone screen to comfort her. So little and innocent and beautiful. She was so sweet and pure. This was almost too painful to keep thinking about but at the same time I couldn’t push it away anymore so I sat there on this random girls futon in her empty house with a German Shepard and cried and felt the magnitude of it. I told her I’m so sorry for her and I was just trying to protect her but that I got mixed up along the way. I told her I’m here now and I want to take care of her and it’s ok and she will be ok.