I dont know whats going on with me.  I was fine.  I had no urges.  I had no thoughts of SI.   And now, knowing Im trying not to do it, is making me want to do it.  Lately when I get an urge I have been reading diff pictures and things online and its helping.  Its been triggering yes, but it was ok.  I have been ok.  Ive been ok without SI for about a week.

Whats really bothering me is that I am expected to eventually stop si.  I dont want to. I dont want to si often. I just want to know I have it there.  To be able to check out when I need to.  I dont want to be that person that starts screaming at someone when Im mad.  I dont want to burst out crying when I cant handle it anymore.  Im not saying all the time. Im not saying anything like that.  I just want to know its there.  Is that weird?  Its like my back up plan.  When things get rough.  I want to be able to have it there. idk.  I wish I was normal.  I wish I didnt have to worry about my back up plan.  My mind is all over the place.  I dont know what to even say anymore. I feel compelled to stay on though, I feel I have these thoughts that are bouncing around my head that I do need to get out but they arent coming out.

My mom stresses me out.  I feel like everyone around me is constantly judging me.  I feel like everyone constantly wants to prove me wrong.   I dont have a voice.  Im not special in any way.   I have all of these thoughts, and hopes, and dreams and no one seems to care. I told my mom my 10 year plan and she told me my income would be nothing.  What?  Since when did income become the most important aspect of a job? If I love what im doing whats it matter how much I make???  So I sit there and listen to her telling me my career choice isnt good enough because she doesnt understand why I would go to school to become something that doesnt make a boat load of money.  Really mom??  I think changing a life is much more important than the money Im making!!! It stresses me out.  I feel like my choices are not good enough.  Like my hopes and dreams are not relevant.  I guess I never was, am, or will be good enough.   I need to get out, I really do.  I have to pull through the next few years, I can do it.

The show im watching just said “im actually happy, and that never used to be an accomplishment”   I dont even know when the last time I could honestly say I was genuinely happy was.  Hopefully this weekend will be better.  A day with my best friend from work and school.  I hope I can go to sleep saturday night thinking, man, Im happy. Because that would be a huge accomplishment.

Idk.  If i sit here any longer ill just depress myself more that Im not “normal” enough.  Im staying safe tonight.  Im looking at my tattoo, and staying strong, exactly what it tells me to do. Because being strong is important.  and I will stay strong tonight.  Because this urge that has popped up out of nowhere is dumb.  Im going to push it back and pretend Im ok.  At least its night time, I can take my mask off and be myself.

and I apologize for the scattered thinking.