One thing going on is that some old scars are behaving weirdly.  Growing and changing quickly.

This is highly problematic.  I divide myself and if I tip over I am like a scared, cornered animal– and that is how I get when talking about SI– for the most part.  Sometimes I might be able to be chipper and seemingly so grounded and strong around it–I can never, never manage that around my therapist.  I am more whole around him and I bring the scared parts loudly– I need to find a way to quiet them a bit.  But it is good that I can divide, I guess.  I’m confused.

It is really, really good that I have made a doctors appointment–I could be wrong, but I suspect it’s skin cancer.  I need to be seen.  (The thoughts here are that it will get me after all– this is an opportunity/fate– self-destruction coming around…)  But I can just choose to replace those thoughts.  I want to acknowledge– oh!  Hi!  thoughts.  Then turn away and do the skillful action.

But this is a tumble.  I have strategies.  With my therapist I can’t keep focused enough to talk and without him I don’t talk to anyone about stuff like this–too dangerous.  I have friends who wouldn’t judge me but I just can’t handle it.  I can write here a bit though.  It is important to note that I can communicate– that is what I am doing.  I am communicating.  My first strategy is that I made the appointment under a different pretense– that is going to reduce pressure and now I don’t have to tell the nurses what’s going on– I can decrease people I have to interact with.  I can do this.  My next strategy is that I am going in knowing that I do not have to answer any questions about my mental health– I can just tell her to call my therapist– he’s back-up and he’s there’s to take over– to defer to.  And, I know that one of the first things he would say is that I am doing very well, which is the truth.  I am doing well.

What I have to do is just keep keeping safe.  Urges are getting intense around this.  Keep remembering that only I control my hands.  I have the power to keep things safe.

There is something of a magnetic pull to misery going on.  Maybe.  Maybe I am very attracted to my own internal sense of chaos.  I’m scared– bc while i can sometimes divide off and speak like a regular human around SI, there are always repercussions later.  Everything pushed aside clobbers me.  Maybe I am causing that by believing it.  Maybe I can just believe my way into this appointment going smoothly.  I don’t know if I’m really attracted to misery.  I sure work hard in the other direction– really hard.

I’m confused by my own thought that my thoughts don’t matter– it’s just what I do that matters.  In this case the thoughts would like to capitalize on what is probably ill heath as an opportunity for self-destruction.  The counter action is to pursue medical help.  I am doing the counter action.  But I don’t want my thoughts not to matter.  I heard a Buddhist talk last night where it was mentioned that some thoughts are so unskillful that you always just want to replace them– those were explained as thoughts of harm to self or others.  An affirmation or cheerleading statement would be replacing the unskillful thoughts.  …. But I want it honored too– that they are a part of me.  Part of myself is very wounded– I want that listened too.  I want to put that part into words.  Now I feel speechless….

I’ll just reflect that my life gets progressively better.  All of this is part of the process.  ….I guess that what I want is faith that I really will heal.  A good start would be if I was able to say any of this stuff out loud….