So started having nightmares again………. awesome. Always early in the morning about and hour before I’m startled awake. The worst thing about these things is that I know something (good or bad) must be around the corner, because every time  I start having nightmares something happens a few weeks, maybe a few months after. I never know what to expect and since I can afford to be 100% honest on here, that scares me to death. Do to some very stressful and heart-wrenching circumstances lately, I had a few… well near SI experiences. I am extremely fortunate to have a best friend willing to put in the time and effort to spend hours on end talking me out of bad decisions. I already made a fool out of myself a because I’ve let my emotions get the best of me…. Unfortunately for me I seem to be right back where I started at the beginning of the year. I am desperately trying to find a healthy medium for myself and I feel like I am failing miserably.. The worst part about having things that, albeit aren’t healthy but sustain you and that you lean on, is that when times get hard again, and again..and inevitably again, you are FOREVER tempted to run back to them. You don’t know how to cope without those things and eventually, start adding to them in hopes of that helping, but of course it doesn’t. I am trying, even those I feel like I am doing nothing to help myself there are days I know how hard I am trying because I am utterly emotionally drained and exhausted. I wish so much that my life was different right now. But some things I know I don’t currently posses the strength to change, for the better OR worse. I don’t really know what else to do at this point but try to hang in there and  literally hold myself together.