I woke up with this feeling of dread, kind of similar to the feeling I get before I have an anxiety attack. My stomach is upset, I feel distant from reality, my legs feel tingly, my throat feels tight. After this blog I will try to ignore it because the more I focus on it the more exaggerated it will become. I have been sober one week today and I feel good about that. I have therapy tomorrow morning and I haven’t been in two weeks because I can’t afford it. I’m so stressed about money. My phone bill just doubled, my work hours are cut in half, my electric bill is out of control because of some house issues, and we need to buy a place ticket for my partner to go home to the Midwest to see her dying father. As I drink less, the urge to hurt myself increases, which confirms for me that it truly is a coping mechanism, I think to myself “I can’t drink while I’m at work today, it’s ok I can SI if I need to”…and I haven’t done it, but the thought that I COULD comforts me enough that I can walk into the doors. I figured out what drinking does for me, via therapy, I feel the feelings I’m too scared (or unable) to feel sober. How do I do that sober? I don’t know that part of. Today is going to be a good day. I asked god to keep me sober, I’m off work, I’m in the middle of a Harry Potter marathon, and I just want to get better.