Someone asked me how I can hide drinking from my wife. I can hide it because I’m a terrible person lying and being sneaky. Take a drink,eat an olive. Kiss? She hates Chapstick, and so I make myself taste like olives and Chapstick. Drop something? Trip over something? I’m clumsy, I’m an Aries. Oh my god I’m so angry with myself. I am not this person, I swear. I am honest and loving. Alcohol makes me lie and cheat and I hate it. I hate that I cant fight it by myself. I want to SI so bad, because I’m numb now, my body feels numb physically. It’s the alcohol though, and though I always think I want this-I don’t. I feel bad, and empty and this is not filling any void, it’s not a release in a cathartic way, it’s painful emotionally, it makes me sick physically, it shames me spiritually, it intensifies my already sensitive nature. SI seems powerful and angry and intense, but it last only a second. A second of release, release of the anger. It’s not worth it. I’ve already used alcohol and lied about it-I don’t want to wake up to an injury too. Alcohol helps me feel-how do I feel these things sober. I work tomorrow. I wish I had my old drugs to ease the pain. I don’t though, and I have no drive to go to a doctor and lie and get them. I can do this on my own and I don’t need help I don’t anyone or anything I don’t cry and I don’t have a weaknesses I am strong and nothing you say can hurt me. Nothing you do can hurt me either.
Only I can hurt myself, I will leave you before you leave me, and I will hurt you before you hurt me. I wish that we’re true 🙁