I’ve relapsed these past few two days. I haven’t told anyone but I’m telling all of you. I feel like I need to in order to feel okay. It’s okay to relapse, right? To learn from it, to move on it from. Recovery is an every day thing. It’s not a race, not a marathon. I hate myself after I S.I. Especially when I have had months without it. Sometimes it is hard to get back on track once you fall down.
I’m at my parent’s house for the summer and I left my “tools” at my apartment because I figured I wouldn’t need them. But it seems with an addiction such as S.I., there is always something to find, always a way. And I did just that. I felt ashamed going through drawers trying to find something. Those few seconds of release during S.I. doesn’t seem to cover up the feelings of embarrassment or disappointment afterwards.
I hope I’ve grown from this. I hope I can be okay again and not rely on this. I wish I had someone who understood the feelings I have and not judge me for them.
I hope tomorrow is a better day.
I can relate to a lot of what you posted here. I too, went many months without SI, and since January, it has been out of control due to a bad unexpected situation. It’s like once I started it again, I’m having a terrible time stopping. I, like you, got, and I hate to use this word but it’s true, desperate, at one point because I did not have what I normally use, so I just found something else at the time. Yet there have been many days where the thoughts have consumed me, and I have not acted on them. So, I can consider that a victory in itself. Hang in there, and don’t be hard on yourself for relapsing. This is a very difficult thing to stop, believe me.
I wish I could help. Have some words of wisdom that could take away whatever it is that makes you feel this way. Your last sentence made my heart hurt for all of us here. I think that’s what we all want. Better days. Days free of this addiction.
But I myself have been in a terrible cycle lately and know exactly what you mean when you say it’s hard to get back on track once you fall down. I went almost a year before these last many months and now, well now…..it’s like I don’t know how I ever stopped before. Same with smoking and drinking. Both my other habits have ramped up in turn with the SI. I can’t seem to get a hold of anything. I’ve quit it all before. For years. Now I suddenly don’t know how to stop again.
And yes, I hate myself after. I don’t have any specific “tools” as you say, so I am constantly in a panic and searching for something when the mood strikes. It’s so humiliating. So degrading.
So please don’t feel you are alone. There are plenty of us here who undestand you and don’t judge. I know it’s not the same as someone in your personal life, but at least here you can express yourself freely without consequence. Don’t stop reaching out.