I’ve relapsed these past few two days. I haven’t told anyone but I’m telling all of you. I feel like I need to in order to feel okay. It’s okay to relapse, right? To learn from it, to move on it from. Recovery is an every day thing. It’s not a race, not a marathon. I hate myself after I S.I. Especially when I have had months without it. Sometimes it is hard to get back on track once you fall down.

I’m at my parent’s house for the summer and I left my “tools” at my apartment because I figured I wouldn’t need them. But it seems with an addiction such as S.I., there is always something  to find, always a way. And I did just that. I felt ashamed going through drawers trying to find something. Those few seconds of release during S.I. doesn’t seem to cover up the feelings of embarrassment or disappointment afterwards.

I hope I’ve grown from this. I hope I can be okay again and not rely on this. I wish I had someone who understood the feelings I have and not judge me for them.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.