So yeah, I’ve been SI lately. I’ve also been thinking some really seriously negative thoughts here of late. I have gained some weight in the last 6 or so months and am pretty depressed about it. I’m not overweight, just not the super skinny girl I used to be. I should be OK with it. I’m over 40 for god’s sake!!! But for whatever reason, that is a huge focus area for me and I become completely obsessed about it. Obsessed!!! I look in the mirror and hate my body. Hate myself that I can’t control my eating/drinking so that I can lose the weight. Then I get depressed. So I drink so I won’t have to think about it. Then at some point during my drinking the alcohol causes me to become even more depressed and my judgement gets lost and then I lose my will power and SI. Then I feel guilty and stupid and hate myself even more. Vicious cycle!!! I’m stuck in it right now. I even have started lying to my BF about eating. He will ask me if I ate and I will say yes when in reality I didn’t. I know the drinking isn’t helping with the weight, but it’s my other addiction. And I feel like such a loser for not being able to stop. I can’t stop drinking, I can’t stop SI’ing, I can’t stop obsessing about the weight. I can’t!!!!!
I sometimes talk to my BF or BFF about it but they don’t really get it. No one in my real life does. So what to do???