So yeah, I’ve been SI lately.  I’ve also been thinking some really seriously negative thoughts here of late.  I have gained some weight in the last 6 or so months and am pretty depressed about it.  I’m not overweight, just not the super skinny girl I used to be.  I should be OK with it.  I’m over 40 for god’s sake!!! But for whatever reason, that is a huge focus area for me and I become completely obsessed about it.  Obsessed!!! I look in the mirror and hate my body.  Hate myself that I can’t control my eating/drinking so that I can lose the weight.   Then I get depressed.  So I drink so I won’t have to think about it.  Then at some point during my drinking the alcohol causes me to become even more depressed and my judgement gets lost and then I lose my will power and SI.  Then I feel guilty and stupid and hate myself even more.  Vicious cycle!!!  I’m stuck in it right now.  I even have started lying to my BF about eating.  He will ask me if I ate and I will say yes when in reality I didn’t.  I know the drinking isn’t helping with the weight, but it’s my other addiction.  And I feel like such a loser for not being able to stop.  I can’t stop drinking, I can’t stop SI’ing, I can’t stop obsessing about the weight.  I can’t!!!!!

I sometimes talk to my BF or BFF about it but they don’t really get it.  No one in my real life does.  So what to do???