I think the stress of knowing I am going to see my family soon is starting to get to me.
How I feel- or these thoughts- not feelings- is that this is not ok. Not tolerable. I am not going to last much longer. I don’t know what I mean by last. But I want to flee into the arms of the familiar. I am tired and tired.
I think maybe I can intervene by doing something to make my bedroom feel safer- more comforting. I coul sleep with the dog but has its down sides- he gets in the way. I would fall asleep if he was here though. Hurting myself is going to make things worse. It would feel outrageously powerful and soothing in the moment then I’d have this wonderful secret and that secret would protect me- separate me from the world, which is dangerous and unsteady. I can be dangerous am unsteady instead- and powerful like a giangiants unviable giant that can go around knocking this over . I hate the world. That is anger. – oh! This is anger- that is how I feel. And connecting to that is helpful. I am angry.
It has been hard to become conscious of the overlap of going to sleep and sI thoughts am why they happen at that time. I guess the trouble is that it facilitates ruminating on trauma – so that’s a new pitfall to the process of trying to sleep. I can’t talk about this but I can find a away to communicate it to my therapist. I need help. it’s like my internal sense of what happened is all in trails- like a hand moves in trails when you hallucinate – so there’s this constant fresh contact – another layer of the trail makes contact with the knowledge – it’s like being retraumatized over and over. Somehow I am doing that to a myself and I don’t get control of it I awright- I am not going to last. It’s just too horrible. And I both all alone and terrified of letting anyone approach. Tonight I did the Mathis and realized that the bad thing happened likely well over a thousand times. It is very dangerous to have a body have a body while sleeping. I know I need to keep reminding myself that that is not now. I am totally safe. No one can get to me … That’s the answer but it’s the lousiest answer- doesn’t help at all.