I’ve run out of alternatives and I really am afraid to give in now, not that I would mind it in some ways but I fear that if I do, I’ll go into not being able to stop and end up where I was several times earlier in my life and I cannot let that happen…I just, I do not want to be found out again. My family knows and I do not really care they know, honestly they do not care but that is a different blog….I just am unsure what to do with myself and for myself. I have just barely under three months left of summer (I had four) and I have absolutely no plans, nothing to look forward to (except a wedding which I do not want to go to because I hate those sort of gatherings…to many people I don’t know or know well and I just get bored) and I’m unsure if I’m going to be doing something I applied to because I have not gotten any feedback). I hate waiting and not knowing, finding this out would really make me less anxious, I worry they forgot about me and will never get back to me.
Summer is the worst time for me, for one, I just finished Freshman year at college and my break is longer. I am alone a lot and my mind wonders, remembers many things I’d rather not about past experiences and I just am unsure how to stop the memories, thoughts and fear I feel inside. I’m unsure how to cope with this without harming and I want to learn but I was so scared to talk to a counselor at school I waited until the third to last week of the second semester to go in and actually ask for some help and get out how I’m feeling because I’ve tried writing, then my writing became my enemy.
I just want to somehow quit thinking about self harm: my thoughts could be called obsessive and that worries me. My almost X-amount of months will turn into none and i’m not sure how to stop my fear from becoming reality.
I think so negatively towards myself it is a problem but it is all I know and have known.