I knew this day would come. I have to discuss my teens in class. We are talking about our lives as teens. Talking about what changed in us, the stressors, the ideas, the habits. I dont think I can answer anything truthfully. I had to make up lies. I put the blame on my parents. Which in a sense is true. I do blame them for my habits sometimes, but at the same time, they never handed me a tool, I chose to. So I dont know. I just tied it into emotions I guess. Idk. Im scared. Im scared Im going to hear other stories and share mine. Im going to blurt out my secret. Tell a group of strangers that I am stuck with for the next two years that I SI. I cant even say “former self injurer”. I feel pretty stupid about that too. I got the tattoo that says stay strong, yet I have si right next to it this week. Smart huh? Idk. I feel like im losing my grip again. And I shouldnt be. There isnt one major thing that has truely really changed in me. I hate that I do this. I hate this stupid cycle I Get stuck on.
I cant be around my mom for long periods of time. She stresses me out. She makes me want to si. Just by talking to her. I see her judging me. I see her condescending thoughts. I know she doesnt approve of my choices. I want to say shes proud of me, but its killing her that she has no control over me anymore. Well sorry mom Im old enough to do my own thing. I may be mean in thinking this. I may be selfish. But she always brings up stupid stuff that stress me out. Like tonight, she came home and starts talking about bills. REALLY?! I just worked 9 hours getting paid next to nothing stressing about bills already and you come home at 1030 and start asking me about money?! Thanks for getting my mind going again. I had come home, done homework, had my dinner and was watching tv after a very long day and she goes and does this. Like thanks mom. Thanks for making my mind race again. Now I cant sleep. I had to paint my nails becasue I didnt trust myself. I didnt trust myself to stay strong. I feel lousy and hypcritcal for getting a tattoo telling me to be strong yet I go and si. I wish I could say it had worked longer than 2 weeks. I dont know! I just want to scream right now. I just want to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs. I wont of course.
I wish someone knew I was going through all of this. None of my friends know what im going through. My family thinks im perfect. Im just “moody” sometimes. Whatever let them think that. My extended family just belittles me, so whatever I want to know or care about is irrelevant. Not only irrelevant but I get made fun of it. If i hear “oh you and those stupid books” one more time I might snap. I dont want to be like this. Im tired of always hiding. I want to send my best friend and email and be like look I rearranged my life for you last week, can you give me 5 mins? But I wont. Because the fact that I si makes her uncomfortable. The fact that everything isnt about her is wrong. I just want someone in my life to care. thats all. I just want someone to care. Apparently thats too much to ask. Im all over the place tonight, I think its time for me to go.