I used to have this amazing faith in God, the Christian God in the Bible. I was raised that way and I was immersed in that life. I was at church at least 4 times a week and always playing my guitar and singing praise and worship songs in the services. Reading scripture, doing skits and plays and musicals and leading kids and praying with people and over people and being “anointed by the Holy Spirit”. It feels weird to even say those kinds of words now.
I started to question God when 9/11 happened, and that’s also when I went through this big change mentally. I have always been a sensitive, scared person from as early as I can remember I’ve been scared and I’ve never felt safe. A few times in the arms of my Daddy, but I can’t remember other times. I remember all seven of us hiding in my parents closet often in Oklahoma City as a child when the sirens would go off. I freaked out every time, now I know those were intense anxiety attacks but then I didn’t know. My dad was always helping me breathe, Ive always had asthma. I’ll never forget my Dad saying one time when the winds were shaking the windows and the thunder was so constant and big we all had a hard time hearing each other-my Dad said Steph do you know when you should be scared ? I said no and he said you can be scared when I get scared and I said Daddy but you’re never scared and he said “exactly”. Then he said something about God and having nothing to fear when we have God. All these tornados have brought up a lot of scary memories for me. I love remembering that moment when my Dad said that. I calmed down, I finally stopped shaking. I shake when it storms, my hands, my whole body. It’s not so bad anymore, but storms always make me nervous.
I don’t know why I feel like I need to talk about this. The song “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood has been on repeat in my head for days. I haven’t heard that song in years, I haven’t listened to country music in years, and I surely haven’t believed in that God in years yet this song is so appropriate. I can even believe that right now, I am desperate for
something bigger than me to help me. I may read this after I post it and wonder what I was thinking but that song comforts me a lot right now. I don’t so much believe in Jesus, maybe a part of me always will, maybe I’ll always fight it, maybe I won’t. Another song Held by Natalie something, a Christian song. The song starts about her losing her child and goes on about being “held” by God during hard times. This song comforts me a lot too. The song by Chris Rice about “come to Jesus”…even when we fall to take it slow and it’s ok to crawl, why are these songs playing in my mind? I have those last two on my playlist on my iPhone and I always skip over them. The last few days though I’ve let myself be open to it. Especially the “Held” song. I don’t know when I lost that faith completely, but I think it started happening when i was a teenager and I was so ashamed about any sexual feeling and the self injury and feeling like I was jut weak and when I came out and it hurt so bad that my family didn’t want me then with the alcohol and the drug addiction and feeling unworthy of God’s love and feeling so lost and far away. I’ve been pushing Christianity away for so long because of how I treated by the church when I came out. Of course I understand that was just my experience and not ALL Christians feel that way, in fact I believe things are progressing a lot, but it’s not easy for me to get over that hurt and trust them again. I haven’t given this much thought to God in years. But I want that love and comfort I used to feel and maybe that’s what I’m missing? Or maybe it’s a cop out, it’s fake and just a big lie to control society. Either way, it works for some people. I haven’t been one of those people in about 10 years and I don’t know if I ever will be, but I want to throw up my hands and surrender to it if that’s what will help me.
I commented on your last post about setting aside time to pray to God. It’s been going great. I love telling Him about everything, from my meaningful deep conversations with friends and my desires to go on vacation to see one of my friends this summer, to my anxieties, depressed feelings, etc. My roommate told me a couple of months ago that she felt mad at God. I told her something that one of my ministers once said: “I think that God would rather us be mad at Him and tell Him, than ignore Him completely.” I can understand your hesitancy after being hurt by Christians. Jesus desires that relationship with you. And you know what? It’s totally okay to error your disappointments with the Lord about how you have been treated by Christians and your fears about going back in to the faith. He’s waiting patiently for you. Just some more of my thoughts (smile).
Wow. This is beautiful. I was on the blog posting about something totally different and then I saw God mentioned and my ears perked up – as well as my spirit.
I am an alumni of SAFE – I went there in 2000. Seems like forever ago. I was no where near being a Christian – I was seeped in New Agey thought and the huge self-help movement.
Can I just say that it is so refreshing to see people talking about God here and so openly? I wish I had known God back when I was a teen and in my 20s. That is not to say everything would have been easy, but I never knew that level of comfort, even during the really hard times, which Jesus said we would have.
I only became a Christian two and a half years ago but since then I have become a whole new person.
I want to agree with Tranquil Waterfall about God wanting to hear us be angry at Him rather than us turning our backs (paraphrasing there). I tell my stepkids that God can handle us being angry. He can handle our rants and raves and our doubts and our questions. He can handle that so much better than any human on earth. That is what God was made desires. He wants to pursue you. All of you – even your doubts, questions, even your anger. As long as you reach back.
Jesus came for the broken, Steph. Jesus’ heart was for the broken.
Since becoming a Christian, I am fascinated by the notion of suffering and all the why’s and the how-can-this-happen’s….
I don’t want to get on too much of a box “preaching” per say, but I’d like to offer my email to you if ever you’d like to talk about this. For some reason, I just felt called to answer your post, though I’ve not read anything else you’ve written here.
I guess it is just so nice to read of God’s presence here in this place.
And I’ll end with this — I always tell my stepkids this:
God never promised us an easy life. We will have trouble. But God is always walking right beside us. Hurting when we hurt. Loving us when we are sad. Forgiving us when we seek forgiveness. Just waiting for us to choose Him and find refuge in His arms.
I pray that you would feel the Spirit on you tonight and know that rest resides in what you know to be true – I can read it in your words. You’ve felt the comfort God can give. That story of your daddy protecting you from the storms and telling you not to be scared – he had it all under control…..
that is what God would say to you, Steph.
He’s holding you in that dark and scary cellar deep inside and He’s telling you that He has it all under control, even when it FEELS like the most OUT of control. It’s all in His hands.
Bless you, Steph. And you, too, Tranquil Waterfall. I am grateful you have the courage to speak openly about faith. I know so many people who want to squash these questions with hate and spite. I’m grateful this post has not been deleted and I’m grateful for people like Tranquil Waterfall for responding to you with such grace and love.
xoxoxxxo