I used to have this amazing faith in God, the Christian God in the Bible. I was raised that way and I was immersed in that life. I was at church at least 4 times a week and always playing my guitar and singing praise and worship songs in the services. Reading scripture, doing skits and plays and musicals and leading kids and praying with people and over people and being “anointed by the Holy Spirit”. It feels weird to even say those kinds of words now.

I started to question God when 9/11 happened, and that’s also when I went through this big change mentally. I have always been a sensitive, scared person from as early as I can remember I’ve been scared and I’ve never felt safe. A few times in the arms of my Daddy, but I can’t remember other times. I remember all seven of us hiding in my parents closet often in Oklahoma City as a child when the sirens would go off. I freaked out every time, now I know those were intense anxiety attacks but then I didn’t know. My dad was always helping me breathe, Ive always had asthma. I’ll never forget my Dad saying one time when the winds were shaking the windows and the thunder was so constant and big we all had a hard time hearing each other-my Dad said Steph do you know when you should be scared ? I said no and he said you can be scared when I get scared and I said Daddy but you’re never scared and he said “exactly”. Then he said something about God and having nothing to fear when we have God. All these tornados have brought up a lot of scary memories for me. I love remembering that moment when my Dad said that. I calmed down, I finally stopped shaking. I shake when it storms, my hands, my whole body. It’s not so bad anymore, but storms always make me nervous.

I don’t know why I feel like I need to talk about this. The song “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood has been on repeat in my head for days. I haven’t heard that song in years, I haven’t listened to country music in years, and I surely haven’t believed in that God in years yet this song is so appropriate. I can even believe that right now, I am desperate for
something bigger than me to help me. I may read this after I post it and wonder what I was thinking but that song comforts me a lot right now. I don’t so much believe in Jesus, maybe a part of me always will, maybe I’ll always fight it, maybe I won’t. Another song Held by Natalie something, a Christian song. The song starts about her losing her child and goes on about being “held” by God during hard times. This song comforts me a lot too. The song by Chris Rice about “come to Jesus”…even when we fall to take it slow and it’s ok to crawl, why are these songs playing in my mind? I have those last two on my playlist on my iPhone and I always skip over them. The last few days though I’ve let myself be open to it. Especially the “Held” song. I don’t know when I lost that faith completely, but I think it started happening when i was a teenager and I was so ashamed about any sexual feeling and the self injury and feeling like I was jut weak and when I came out and it hurt so bad that my family didn’t want me then with the alcohol and the drug addiction and feeling unworthy of God’s love and feeling so lost and far away. I’ve been pushing Christianity away for so long because of how I treated by the church when I came out. Of course I understand that was just my experience and not ALL Christians feel that way, in fact I believe things are progressing a lot, but it’s not easy for me to get over that hurt and trust them again. I haven’t given this much thought to God in years. But I want that love and comfort I used to feel and maybe that’s what I’m missing? Or maybe it’s a cop out, it’s fake and just a big lie to control society. Either way, it works for some people. I haven’t been one of those people in about 10 years and I don’t know if I ever will be, but I want to throw up my hands and surrender to it if that’s what will help me.