I’ve gone x-amount of time without my main form of self injury. It’s what I always turned to. But now, I will do all other forms just so I can tell my parents that I haven’t gone back to my original way. They would never ask about other forms. The scars look like accidents and I’m such a good liar that it’s easy to make them believe me.
My family is going through a hard time right now and I feel out of control…yet I’m not in a direct line of fire. I’m just over here watching all this chaos go on and trying to offer my help but I’m just in the way. And when someone loses their temper I just want to run away and injure the way I used to a year ago.
Literally just this second (I had to close this window) my little sister comes in asking me to write her essay for school that she put off. I’m reaaaalllly bad at essays. I’m almost a senior in college and I still get C’s and F’s on research papers that I work my butt of for. When I start to talk about myself for five seconds…she gets mad and walks away. And now I feel like a jerk.
At this point, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and hopeless. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m confused about my life and terrified I’m going to fall into this hole of depression and self injury…but if I’m completely honest, I never even really got out of it.