I shared tonight at an AA meeting. It’s my home group meeting. Peggy died a few weeks ago and I miss Peggy. I haven’t gone there yet. I so want to be honest and spill my guts. I need to. I’m not sober now. I don’t know the biological stuff but I’m pretty sure I haven’t been 100% sober for a few days. I’m scared. I’m in pain. A deep aching pain. My ex-sponsor commented on something I commented on on Facebook and I want to explode. I hate her and I want to shove it in her face I’m so angry with her. I am so not the Internet drama kind of person so this is unusual. It’s taking all of me to not engage. From my previous post, I cleared things up with my therapist and it’s ok. I have to tell her I can’t afford to go this week and that’s awkward.
I wonder what drinking is doing for me. I learned everything we do serves a purpose, I know it helps me feel, it helps me not dissociate. It helps me cry. But I’m miserable, emotionally. I have something to injure myself in my car and I want to. So badly I want to, I want to injure myself and hurt me because I’m so ashamed of myself for not staying sober like everyone expected me to. For not being perfect and for not being the honest perfect client. I want to feel the pain part and be alone and deserve it. I am in such a dangerous bad place and I’ve been here before but not with the knowledge I have now so it’s different.