I have come very far. I was sitting in group today listening to someone else relay a stressful scenario- more stressful than is generally allowed. I saw my therapist looking over at me indiscreetly – checking on me – but I could take it just fine. Or close enough. In the beginning if her story I was thinking that I am so glad my life no longer involves such stressful plots. Then when I did start tipping I came back to comparing myself and it helped- I got straight again. She is not me. I am not there. It was helpful to clarify last week that mindfulness is the skill for identiy.

So much I’ve been realizing. Yet it all seems nonverbal right now. It isn’t though- I can put it into concepts some times- in my head.

One thing is that there is a specific time if day the SI pops into my radar. I don’t know where I am with it bc not acting on it is fairly firmly the new way. But it isn’t gone- its still a pain in the neck… Which, granted, is way better than threatening my existence, but. But I don’t want- this is shameful- I do t want my therapist to stop caring. I don’t want to be left hanging- like everything is ok bc I behave ok. I feel pressure in my mouth and throat as I write that. When I mentioned SI not too long ago he asked what it was even doing in my radar. I told him that it’s a permanent installation. That isn’t true- it was on the radar 24 7. So maybe it can continue to fade. But it also got me to the point of being able to articulate in my head when it does come on the radar with regularity. It pops up frequently- or frequently in batches- as I am trying to go to sleep. Like now.

He also told me- about identiy- tht I used to say that I didn’t know what was happening and I don’t have that sense anymore. That isn’t true -it’s just much less severe and I don’t need his help with it as much anymore. (Terrified of loosing him…. But the relationship changes… He isn’t going anywhere.) the point is putting together – the I don’t know what’s happening sense and the SI on the radar co-occur. A very sensible observation but new that I would see it- and the occur these days mostly in that sense of not quite sleep- which also seems to make sense to me – there is very little grounding then. I don’t really know what to do about it. I feel scared and scared of sleep. Even that makes sense – bad things used to happen when I went to sleep. But they aren’t happening now. It is safe to fall asleep. And safe to drift into the nearness of sleep.

Also realizing the- I want to say duh- but I do not want to be mean to myself- realizing that when the SI thoughts come – when it gets bad is when they scare me – or maybe it’s ok to be scared- I am mixing up them scaring me and the action of fighting with them. Then can come, I can note them, feel scared, then refocus my mind– but that’s the trouble- if I’m trying to fall asleep there’s nothing to refocus my mind on. I’m supposed to be getting drifty. I don’t understand.

And I don’t understand why all this is a problem for me when I am confident that I can keep myself safe. … But then it’s all jut thought and emotion and thought and emotion do matter – tht is something I have learned. I’m confused, an I want to sleep. Do not want to take medication but moving further away – not toward bei g able to do it on my own…. Guilt.